Walls

There is something holding me back. Lukewarmity.

Hosea's wife: Gomer

I've been "trying" to read that book. It's pretty interesting. I'm also reading a commentary/study of it by Charles Lee Feinberg. It was copyrighted in the 40s. I know, crazy huh?

Hosea is so interesting. To go deeper into it, man. The Lord has been showing to me over and over that he is a God of love and justice. Law, truth, love, grace all go together. It was great.

I think the only thing I really don't want to be scared about is that sigh, I don't want to just read the Word to feel good; to make me have the self-righteous attitude. Who knows. I need to definitely keep reminding myself that I cannot be saved by doing "good" deeds of simply reading the Bible and etc.

All of this is a process though.

Ok! I will stop trying to be so ...dodgy. I need to start being more honest with my writing and not just writing what I think is the right thing, then taking it back and contrasting myself... I think. Haha. There I go again. Or am I already writing honestly this way?

Anyway, I feel like I need to stop listening to Brooke Fraser's CD. But I realy enjoy listening to it when I don't listen to it a lot. It is like a dedication to my lover. Whom is obviously Christ. However, a girl can't help but think about a potential "someone". I really enjoy her CD. It's kinda all over the place a little.

Which brings me to my next topic. i have no idea if I will ever get married. Like into a relationshiop. I've never really thought of it that way. I always thought of myself of like, "yeah, maybe i'll get married one day." but the other day, I finally started thinking "Wow, maybe I will remain single all my days." Twas a good process dealio to ponder on.

Sigh.

My initial intention of coming on here tho: falling back in love with Him.

I'm interested in going back and reading the whole commentary book about how Gomer fell back in love with Hosea; like how Israel will fall back in love with Yahweh. I really want to too! But... I don't know. I need to take this slowly. I learned so much about the context of what Hosea is trying to write about. Man... tis crazy... just how he prophecizes about Jezreel, and so on.

My life will be/shall be/is a love song to Him. He is so good to me.

I hope to be able to go to church tomorrow. :( I'm a bad Christian. My brother is supposedly joining the church officially. We'll see how that goes.

Newborn

Haven't been here in a while. A lot has been happening. A lot. I think. A lot of drama, a lot of laziness, a lot of stress. I think I "kind-of" got a wake up call yesterday. We'll see if it really was a wake up call.

Nonetheless, I did conclude that I need to fall back in love with Jesus. I am Gomer. Well, we all are. But I for sure, have committed adultery personally. For quite a long time now. I suppose now is when the Lord is going to bring me into the wilderness. Who knows what that'll look like.

I haven't seen HOGY in so long. I miss them. I have to go to church tomorrow no matter what. I need to see my church again. My pastors. My home. Yeah...

Lord, remain with me. Compell me to remain in you. Life is tasteless, dead, value-less with out you.

On duty

I'm an evil RA now! Hahahaha.
Sigh.
Sad!

Oh well. It's ok.

I think I have bipolar.

Starting again

Here goes the big U turn. We'll see if I find my way back.
Sigh... pray for me. I don't know who I'm going to talk to my profs about this. Aaaah losing face.

Highways.

Or freeways. Whatever the heck you call them.

I missed an exit. It SUCKS because all I can do/feel like I can do is keep cruising on down. Sigh. Until I find the next exit, I will only have to work as hard to catch up to where I went wrong... and THEN find the right direction, hoping I wont mess up again, and continuing on from there.

Father... thank you for being faithful. I don't know how to pull out of this one.

skdlfjsdklfjas;lk!!!!

The frustration lurks. I so loathe it when I come to this point, where I feel helpless... and I know I have to lose myself and give myself to Him, because I can't do this by myself anymore. I never can, could, whatever.

I need to listen to new music. I'm so tired of listening to white-people-music. But I don't really know any other good music by people who aren't white. I know its out there!!! I just want the AUTHENTIC stuff. Not another Jeff and Cicily [although they are great]. Where my Hmong artists at?

I'm out...

Homework, tutoring, and meetings

I didn't do my homework for BWV Community and Culture. I feel like giving up I think. I don't really enjoy that class all the time... because I don't have much to say when I don't read the material!!! ---> which is totally my fault. :( capitalism sucks and makes us all greedy.

Anyway.

I went tutoring today... and it was so fun because I got to help. :)
I tutored a guy named Karim. He was so cool... it's so interesting to see what my parents had to go through. Sigh. I am so selfish. I never think of my parents' expereince. And then there was also another guy... Sullupe or something like that... he didn't speak english at all! But it was so cool to talk and dialogue with them about language and stuff. I enjoyed it muchos. They were so sweet!

Anyhoo.

Afterwards I ran around campus: went to the sad excuse of a pepfest, but it was fun! Half the people there were football players. Sad. But.... sophomores won the tug-of-war and the other thing, whatever it was. We always win... it's so awesome and powerful; I love it. Haha. just kidding just kidding.

Later I went to fetch some food and filled my stomach with a texas chicken sandwich, tea, chips, and grease. It was great and I am still full.

Finally, my day ended in the result of a peaceful meeting about NCMSLC. A lot of students on campus want to go... and they should be able to. The institution is limiting the amount of people (sad, I know). So, some students got together to write some letters and to get some funding going. It's gonna be so great because we're working and cooperating through a peaceful way! I hope God has his way here... please have your way Lord.

I of course, have many personal struggles that I wish I can voice about. But I am too lazy for that, and have a journal to witness my words instead. Pray for me, whoever is reading this. There is always something going on, raging inside and stirring in my soul. A barrier, or a veil if you will, that prevents me from being completely vunerable to the Lord... thriving on my own efficiency for now.

Good night.

Quarter of the way

I would like to say that I am half there, but I'm really not:
In my Biblical Worldview Community and Culture class, I haven't turned in two interaction papers, I haven't done a blogging assignment, and I havent started on a paper that is due today! Ah! Man... I dont think I'll give this blog to my parents after all. So much for updating them.

Maybe I'm not even a quarter of the way there. Just a tenth. Har. Sigh. I really need to start living it up a little more. Danette implied that I need to be intentional with this stuff. I lost a lot of face right then. So shameful.

Anyway, I am kind of sore from last night. I attempted to play basketball. Haha. I think I'm holding back because of my love handles. They like to jump everywhere. And I did not have a sport bra on. But yeah... my form sucks... a lot... haha. Twas fun tho. Muchos fun.

Well, I suppose I should get started on this paper. It's only (only... I'm trying to make it sound simple) 2 pages. Woot.

Oh! By the way... one of the girls came into my room yesterday to just catch up and talk... it was so good! I hope God really comes into her life... man, she is definitely stressin. I really adore her stamina through all of this. I suppose a better word would be endurance. What a strong woman.

Aight I'm out....

John Perkins.... here in one more month!!! EEEEEEK!! kdfjadsklfj

Daniel 4

"How great are his signs,
how mighty his wonders!
His kingdom is an eternal kingdom;
his dominion endures from generation to generation."
-Daniel 4:3


Just reading for Daniel for some spiritual support. I am most definitely dry right now. I just got done talking with Ka Zoua about a really vulnerable and spiritual situation. It's very interesting and unique how the Lord is working in her life. Really beautiful, I hope she sees that.

Anyway, I don't want to go to sleep on an empty stomach [spiritually, duh]. I really still need to discipline myself on reading the Word in the morning so that I can go to bed well, and not super super full of food, yet extremely tired at the same time.

About Daniel 4 though... man, how beautiful. I love how King Nebuchadnezzar converts... and how much he loves the Lord at the end. And how faithful Daniel was! He trusted God, and was able to answer the King in such an important moment. I just also love how God worked with Nebuchadnezzar on a long term schedule. Nebuchadnezzar was already 'converted' or whatever. But God needed to work on him for 7 times passed. What does that even mean?! Pretty interesting... I'll have to find out. But it's just wonderful how the Lord loves peace, justice, faithfulness... It's beautiful...

My Lord reigns from generation to generation... His kingdom is everlasting, it never ends. Thank you Jesus.

My first public blog post

So I have journals, a tabulas, a xanga, a myspace, a facebook, and a 'private' blogger all online. The reason why I chose a public one? The world may never know. However, I decided that it would be great to have this because a: I may travel one day and you might want to read about my avid adventures [I have no idea what avid means]; b: You may perhaps want to read about my frustrations; c: it's good to start something like this so folks can get some context or whatever when they read my other random entries.... and d: I thought maybe my parents can use this to spy on me! JUST KIDDING fraddish... I love you.

I'm hoping that whoever reads this blog IS NOT A STALKER, because that would just not be cool. And note: I shall not write too much about my personal life... because of course, my personal life would go in my private blogger... not the public one. You funny people.

So! Here I go:

Updates...

Academia -- I am falling terribly behind. I really would like to read all the material so I can feel like a clever being... however, I have no motivation and I feel as if I will never have time for such madness. I do enjoy my classes--- No wait, that is a lie. I think I am just feeling pretty bland about them. I'm taking three classes that have a central theme on multicultural ministry/racial reconciliation/cross cultural stuff. It's interesting to not say the same things in three different classes or whatever. And then I am learning about how white people took over the world in History of Western Civilization. It took me a while to reconcile to that class. But I suppose I'm enjoying it because it is about history and I love history. And my proffessor has a horrible dry humor that is very insulting to the poor victims of his jokes, yet it is also a bit ridiculous that I can let out a laugh every once in a while. Academia... I wish it was so much more simple... but it is college and I can't complain, because I am quite the lazy one.

Ministry -- I haven't seen HOGY in such a long while. I hope they don't think I'm going to abandon them. Actually, I probably have abandoned them, to just get straight to the point. Let's stop lying here folks, I havent been there in about a month. I think about them and pray for them. They are my family... ah I miss them. I need to go see them. Anyway... my RA ministry... I have no idea how that is going. I don't know what type of Bible Studies to do with them. I feel like my Bible Studies are going to be boring and bland. But I don't want it to be that way! I need to find my nitch? Or I just really need to let the Spirit take over and lead. Something like that. I adore the freshmen on my hall though. They are indeed mature for the ages, but sane enough to still act like 'normal' girls. What is normal anyway???? I don't really like that word, hence I made the little quotes around 'normal.' But... I don't want to stress too much about my RA ministry. I definitely need to be a lot more intentional. For real...

I am so bored right now that I would like to end this blog. Maybe I'll go review what we're gonna talk about in class today. I swear, some of those kids would like to tear Dr. Fenrick's head off. I think he is quite the good professor... not to mention he is probably the best ever dressed prof on campus.

Ciao and God bless.