The Call

Hello world.

Well, training has officially begun. This means that school is definitely in full affect now.

I just first want to declare how wonderful the Lord has been. He is so gracious to me and merciful. I cannot emphasize the injustice I have done, and yet he is able to grant me grace and mercy. He is such a wonderful Lord. Truly.

Well, the "first" week has only ended (and it only has three school days in it!), and I feel as if I am already in pretty deep into the learning/training already. I have been spending more time with the Lord then I think I did in the summer combined (sounds REALLY bad and typical of *STMers, I know. Forgive me Lord), and all this extra time with God has really been helping me clear my head--even if it's like a simple reading of the Bible or just journaling. Yeah.

So why am I in so deep already? Well I shall tell you. First, I just want to say wow. Like seriously, wow. When you ask God to show you what is going on, where all this pain is coming from, this confusion... I don't know whatever it is, when you ask God to show you your sin, He does....... And training for this internship has shown me what my deepest sin has been, well one of them I guess. And this has affected me SO much without me realizing it.

I have grieved the Spirit because of my need to find approval in man. And it's not just the typical American, "please accept me cuz I'm cool." It's like a deep, seeped, and like very engrained type of approval that is traditional of the Hmong culture, specifically from Hmong elders or parents. The approval of Hmong parents/community/elders makes or breaks people. Their identity is actually set in it (a majority of them anyway, maybe not many 2nd gen kids tho I'm not sure...), and this approval is like who they are, it is their status.

So. I have somehow allowed the approval of my parents (and somewhat of my extended family and maybe the Hmong community) influenced my relationship with Christ. The approval of parents makes and breaks you because if they approve of you, this is a blessing from them--your life will essentially be prosperous and will bear much fruit (in their eyes, not Biblically)--you will have life and will be abundant, and will receive recognition of having been raised well (and this means that your last name is a good last name, your parents are good parents, your extended family is a good extended family, your everything associated with you is good).

On the contrary, the disapproval of my parents is like a death sentence. It is a curse. You will have a hopeless, unfruitful, cursed, meaningless and lifeless life. The blessings of your parents is supposed to be the water that every seed needs. However, the curse they give to you in the disapproval is a hot searing piece of medal that is visibily branded into your skin to show you and the entire world that you are a cursed and unblessed being. Anything and everything associate with you is considered as cursed and worthless and bad. Filthy. Not your family tho, because you have been disapproved and are therefore disowned by them. They dont even claim you anymore, and this literally means (in their eyes) that you are not, and were never a part of them. They will erase you from the memory (and trust me, asian people, if not Hmong people, are REALLY good at pretending you never existed. Essentially, disapproval is social suicide...

I know my description for the disapproval part is more descriptive and obviously negative. But that's how scared I am of disapproval guys. Man. The disapproval from my parents have been so engrained in me, that I have allowed others who disapprove of some of my most genuine emotions and genuine views affect my life, my identity, and all that I do.

Let me give you some context. In my freshmen and sophomore years at NWC, some things that people said about racial reconciliation, bigotry, and comments, and overall views towards the subject of racism showed me how others disapproved how I felt so much that I grew into a very deep depression. I think I felt like my very brothers and sisters, the people of God that I thought I would never get disapproved from, or cut off from to better word it, did the very thing that I thought God's people would never do.

I was very very hurt. When I think about it now, the pain I feel goes very deep. It's very real, and it doesnt help that I hid this pain for so long and never really dealt with it on a complete level.

But yes, after showing people my genuine, true, and real feelings/emotions/views--I was so surprised at how much I got hurt that whenever I show those things of myself to someone, I automatically am brought to those feelings of disapproval. And when that happens, I become extremely anxious, worried, emotional and am sometimes on the verge of crying (without understanding why).

This type of reaction, I believe, began to make me feel complacent. Yes. I stopped speaking and began to fear my own voice. I lost focus of who I was. I know I did not want the disapproval from man, but it didn't matter if I got the approval--as long as I didnt get the disapproval I was okay. I began to lose myself and started becoming confused about why I followed this man/God named Jesus.

And... to make a long story a little longer but not as long as you would probably want... I think for a while now I have been searching for life and truth in different places. Meaning. I would go back every once in awhile and read the Bible, go to church. But I was so lost. So gone and out of it. Losing the presence of God made me less sensitive to obviously hear the Holy Spirit, especially when I was filling myself with other things--such as time spent on material things, and thoughts that dwelled on unholy things. And since then I have been out of it...

Until finally, now. I've been trying to be patient for so long, figuring out why this is. Why I can remember my testimony and be so thankful for what God has done for me, yet why I was I this way??? It was because I had forgotten to deny myself (and my views of what being approved is like and by whom I should be approved by), carry my cross, and follow my loving Savior, jesus Christ.

Just thinking about all of this is devestatingly shameful. I feel so ashamed. So hopeless because when I sought for the approval or blessing of men, I cursed my life to hell. I separated myself from my God and wondered why there was a veil there. I wondered why I couldn't see him clearly!!!! And this is why!!!! I did not put him first. And I dont know why I did this, why I allowed it to happen. I was so in love with Him... and somehow, I allowed the flesh and Satan to come and take the reigns. And trust me folks, it didn't happen overnight. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable to the point where Satan attacked me and capatalized on things that could have been healed/used for the good/advancement of the Kingdom of God.

And now, here I am. Maybe there is more to this, but I dont think there is. I think this is it. It always come down to this. Am I really willing to let my parents go? My mother, my father? My house? Myself? The approval of man? Am I willing to partake in the curse that Christ did--death (not that I'm like replacing what Christ did but you know what I mean)? Man. I have no idea. I have no idea what to say or think or feel. I am so afraid, honestly. I never realized that Christianity could be so much of a thunderstorm inside of me. I always thought the persecution would just HAPPEN or something... that they would come after me.... I never thought that I could somehow choose my option and be branded with "She chooses death" but God says that if I choose to lose my life I will gain it right???

God, I never thought that I would be facing this again. I thought I chose you a long time ago. But I can see now that somehow, I have chosen other things and only claim you with my words. I am so sorry Lord, to grieve you like this. Please forgive me.... But Lord I just ask that you help me Lord, to choose wisely. To not just BLINDLY choose you, but to COUNT THE COST Lord... I thought I counted the cost, but apparently I did not (or just forgot what the cost was along the way). Lord, please show me again. Give me your truth again and help me from there....

So. I have no idea. Am I really willing to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him??? I need to go read Acts... and the beatitudes... all I know is that the journey and life with Christ is physically lonely, but very bitter sweet spiritually. All I know is blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness because the kingdom of heaven is theirs... to be glad and rejoice, because the reward is great in the kingdom of heaven....

Asia

Well this is my first attempt and blog that will be about my internship in Azia --> specifically China, Thailand, Singapore and another special place in Southeast Asia that will remain undisclosed due to certain factors (and those factors shall also remain undisclosed--oh the suspense!).

Anyhoo, it is only the 13th of August. Obviously I am not in Azia yet but am still in the middle of the states, being my lazy American self. Sigh. Although it's about two months before I leave, I am a nervous wreck--trying to think about all that needs to still be done for the internship and how unprepared/untrained I am.

Examples: I have yet to read about the places that I am going to, and I have yet to even study the languages!!! GAH. Not to mention the biggest elephant in my mind is--am I spiritually ready to go? Honestly, I feel that I am not. I don't know why. Well, I know why but... I can see now that I may just be a stereotypical short-termer that goes overseas and just gets prepared spiritually but then kerpluncks as soon as she arrives back at home.

Am I not an alien to even the U.S.? Last I read... I am not of this world. I suppose I havent been reading that part of the scriptures for the past year or so.

Apathy. This generation is drowning in it and my, how it is pulling me in.

OKAY SO ENOUGH ABOUT ME, and more about the internship. May I give you all a fair warning that this blog will DEFINITELY include much of my emotions. Lol. I can try to tell you about the things I will be/am doing, but alla that will somehow interweave with my feelings, emotions, reflection, (and LOTS of randomness) etc.

[My brother has cramps right now and it's scaring me because I feel like he may be pms-ing... never have I seen anyone in such pain other than the times when my cramps attack me with vengeance like none other, and I feel as if I am going to faint as knives are tearing the muscles around my stomach apart. Essentially, I feel like I am giving birth. I think that's what my brother is going through.]

Anyway. About the internship. I am so excited and yet (like mentioned before) very nervous. Within the next two weeks, I just wanna follow up and possibly send out more letters to everyone about helping me out. School's gonna also be starting by then. Crazy! :) Sigh. It'll all work out and be okay I hope.

I think the place I am most excited to be is Bangkok. Wow. Thailand. Ever since I was about 11 years old I have always wanted to go to the country my parents found refuge in (althoug refugee camps aint the best places to really be free). Too bad I probably wont be able to go to Chiangmai. But oh well.

Anyhoo, I'm just excited to be there because we'll actually stay for a month and really be engulfed in the culture (as much as is possible in one month, lol). Not only that, but I really hope to get to know my students as well. And honestly, I hate admitting this, but you know what? It is inevitable. But I cant wait to get a good slap in my face of how simple and glorious the Gospel is...I cant wait for a revival in my soul when I tell people about how good God was to me when He chose me.

Ah. I have a lot to think about. Yeah. Well, I hope that's enough for now in this first blog. I'm gonna go and give Jenni a call back and assist my brother in his contractions.