I haven't unpacked yet

Seriously. I haven't.

Well, I have moved some things around here and there. But my turquoise suitcase is still sitting in the middle of my room, with clothes spilling out of it. Souvenirs lying everywhere around it, and of course, all of my mess from before I left for the internship.

I wish you could have all just heard my sigh of stress? Relief? No...it's that sigh of a child, when the mom says: "Okay darling, we really have to leave the playground now. We need to go." And when you hear her say "we need to go" it meant "we are leaving." And when you hear those words, you sigh this particular sigh that meant an end to all your adventure, exploring, etc. It's that type of sigh. The ringing gong that says, "wake up! get back to reality. no more living in this different time, in this place where you were free to start fresh and learn new things."

Around 4PM today, I printed out all my pictures and continue to dwell and look over on all the pictures from SE Asia. Although I valued and enjoyed each place that I went to, SEA is still with me. Maybe it's because that's the last place that I went to. Or maybe because, as I was pondering today, it was the only place where I got to live where the people lived, really ate the food that they made with their own hands, showered like how they showered, got to have deeper conversations with the staff, etc. As I thought over these things and looked over my pictures, I decided that I can't let the journey I had with them go in vain by just letting my suitcase sit there in my room and rot.... remember the blog I labeled as stewardship??? Maybe it's not really good stewardship to continue to live in a place mentally that I was not at physically....although I did enjoy my time in SEA so much, and I miss it so much too. I just know that I need to wake up and realize that I am in a new place, and that this place deserves just as much amount of attention as SEA. Because if I learned anything at all from SEA, it was that Allah is not partial to anyone, any people, etc... He loves all.

So, the sigh that I had, I guess that's the type of sigh of a child. Sort of (Because what really happened to me wasnt just a playground, it was really life. The only difference is that I have to choose the things I want to remember and to stick with from this learning ground that I encountered and take it with me and put it to practice wherever I go from now on...). So as of today, and it completely wrapped up to this night/morning of C-Day, I have finally accepted the fact that I need to unpack my suitcase and begin to move on. Begin to really refine what happened and what happened to me during the trip, being to really tell people what I need to tell them... being to finalize what pictures I want to use to tell people what I experienced and saw, etc. etc.

And I hope that whatever I communicate with the ears that are listening, I hope that they will also be able to take any of the little things I've told them to heart and maybe perhaps practice it too. Today was also a great day of my hopes coming true: before our "C-Day eve meal" (lol cuz my family has NEVER had one of those till tonight sorta), we were all going to pray and my parents both put their hands out as to how SEAsians would (hands laying with palms facing up, as if to receive a blessing). They made sure to keep their eyes open, and what was most rewarding and beautiful was that they even remembered to bring their palms to their faces/nose, to accept the blessing they receieved (and it was so special because IRONICALLY I had forgotten to accept the blessing, lol....).

Anyway, that little gesture meant so much to me. It shows me that the people I met and the places I saw were really real. it just wasnt child's play. These were real people with genuine values, concerns, beliefs, etc. And somehow, I was able to show a little small portion of their life to my family members... I wonder if I was able to communicate a little bit at all of what Isa Al Masih's (J.C.) lifestyle may have been like to them.

Stewardship

Being a good steward is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Seriously. What happens when I have money? I spend it quickly instead of saving it or tithing or using it for a better purpose. What do I invest my time in on a school night? Relaxing in front of a computer instead of doing homework. My point is, when I am given something, whether it is a role, a material thing, or a responsibility, I usually butcher it. :\

Today, I saw Dr. M @ NWC and wow, it was wonderful to see him. As I was downloading my pics that I stored on the team's laptop, I read the email he forwarded us from an ICS team member from a few years back. Not to simplify the email, but it pretty much challenged me in this way: I need to really choose to commit to what I learned/experienced and/or to commit to the changes that I made (or wanted to make). Something like that. And it made me reflect on all that I did learn and see overseas about everything inside me and around me...

Throughout the rest of the day, I began to think about some of the changes or things that I want to commit to....

-Evangelism. Not being ashamed of the Gospel, but really pursuing others in love and gentleness, and suffering what I need to suffer as I carry my cross and spread the Good News in all I do... The main thing I need to do in this area is to ask better questions... I'm usually not the person asking people about Jesus. For some reason, in the past, I usually only talk about God to friends/family/acquaintances when they ask. But after being in the islands of SE Asia, I have truly seen that I need to do what Allah calls me to do in Matt 28:19. People that I need to do this better with are my parents and non-Christian friends.... I need to express to them how grateful I am for J.C.... He has done so much for me and I want to tell the people that I care about how important He is to me, and how much they would love Him too.

-The friends I made overseas. Like my students and adopted family members and C friends. I need to continue to develop my friendships with them somehow. So I will have to get REALLY creative.... like maybe sending them pictures/postcards, small things from my own culture, pretty much sharing my life with them and hoping that they reciprocate and get to know me...

There's so much more.... but these are mainly some of it...

This week...

has been intense because of all the ups and downs I have had. Some of the ups was seeing my close friends, seeing my immediate family, and then seeing my "extended" family--this included several cousins and aunts/uncles that are from different states.

However, some of my downs was that although I was able to see many of my family members, it was because of the death of my uncle that I was able to see them. Many of them came to his funeral this past weekend. Other downs include: not being able to see my friends' (Ka Zoua and Michael Berry's) new born son, not being able to really connect with friends as much as I would like (Neng, Jenni, Roxy), the inconvenience of a broken phone, the cold weather, etc.... I know all of those are just small things that can be fixed.... but things get blown up when the real downs are that my uncle passed away... and I never got to say good bye to him.

My uncle was such a sweet, God-loving, humble, and humorous man. His smile was the most genuine and child-like and innocent, and biggest and cheesiest and sweetest and most contagious smile... He loved his wife and kids so much... and He loved God so much. I will miss him. Seeing his face at church and watching him cry because of how awesome our Lord is... I will miss him. And now I am challenged to be a good niece and cousin to my aunt and cousins. Watching them this weekend can't be described. I will never know what they went through until the time that may come for me to experience those things... but watching my dear family go through that pain was just so much...I can't explain it. This weekend was so long, so draining for me alone, and I can't even imagine how much it was for them. The funeral was four days with a watching night where we stayed up all night to the next day. My aunt barely got any sleep, and I'm sure my cousins didn't either... I just don't know what to feel or think...

I remember Dr. Morgan telling me to be prepared to face all of this when I returned home. But I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be of two extremes: where I would just be completely thrown back by my uncle's death and by the pain from it and by the pain my cousins + aunt will have; the other extreme was that I would be unaffected because as my uncle aged and became more ill, I grew distant from him and thought that I may not be as affected and may be able to be strong for my aunt and my cousins.... but I didnt really get either extremes but actually got a little of both worlds... it was like bouncing back and forth. And then sometimes, just laying in bed, feeling numb and wanting to just be gone and escape.

I'm sorry if this is too much emotions for you all to read... but this is what I am currently feeling. It hurts so much, especially since coming home from Asia has not really been what I expected. I've already gotten easily agitated, become impatient with my brothers and sister. My faith is so small and I am already falling into pieces. Materialism, apathy, immorality and sexual immorality, sin and everything is clawing at me and calling my name. The holiday spirit and festivities make me feel out of place and are also calling me to be merry when I really am not. Everyone is asking how my trip was, and really I just want to tell them about how much my heart opened up to living overseas and to learning a new language.... And I want to teach them what I have learned.... and I want to tell everyone how much I miss the cities and islands I went to. How much I miss our dear friends overseas.... everything. And about my team. How I miss my team. All the girls had their own unique personalities. The guys with their humor and with how they coped with such a small amount of guys. And Ruth, how she was my companion during the internship.... I wish I could express how faithful God was to me through all the people I met (through the team and through the nationals and etc...)

Despite the downs this weekend.... I will try to remember the ups as well... and the biggest up that I should remember is that my uncle is in a better place. I know he is smiling and rejoicing with the Lord and they are both smiling down. I can only ask that the H.S. helps my aunt and cousins during this hard time... and the other big up is that I developed some great friendships overseas... and although I may never see many of them again, I will remember all the memories I had with those wonderful people.... and how God blessed me and was glorified in them... Praise the Lord... Alham delullah... My God is still faithful even though I am imperfect and I mess up... TYJC. Kuv hlub koj thiab cia siab rau koj. Thov lo pab kuv os tus Tswv.

Back "home"

Hey all, I'm finally back home again. Home. What an interesting name. Although this is home, for some reason my heart is still in Asia.

I have so much to say. I wish I could have documented everything onto a USB flashdrive and just stick it in your brain, and have you all watch what I experienced. :) But of course life isn't that easy right?

Anyway, I won't spill all the goodies here in this blog, cuz there is so much to say, therefore there's also a lot of organizing to do. I just wanted to let you all know that I officially arrived back in the states on December 14 @ 10:30 am in Minneapolis (which was yesterday morning). I slept all day, then woke up at 9. Went back to sleep at 12 am, woke up at 4 am, went back to sleep at 10 am, then woke up at 4 pm. Lol. Right now it's 1:30 am. I'll be heading to sleep soon.

But anyway, I just want to thank all of you that have been following my updates and the blog. It means so much to me to know that many of you care enough to read this stuff. It's actually very touching. I apologize for the lack of updates for the past 2-3 weeks. In Southeast Asia, my team and I were at islands without internet connection. And if there was a connection, it was very low. So, no worries, the full updates should be coming a long for these next couple of weeks.

Anyhoo, for these past couple of days, many people have already been asking me how the trip was and I just have the hardest time trying to tell them. I planned on certain things to tell people in one sentence, but that sentence changes with different people. So it's hard. Therefore, before I completely update you all with what happened and what I did in Asia, I'll just let yall know what's on my heart and mind right now. Which is a lot.

Anyway, as of now, I suppose I go in and out of being sad. It's like I'm mourning what I saw and experienced. Today, I looked at the sand that I brought back home from an island that I stayed at... doing that brought a lot of emotions out. Every time I left a country, I would mourn for that place for about two weeks. Right now, I'm still mourning for the last country I went to. I'm just thinking about all the language that I learned (which was very little), the food, the ocean, and the wonderful friends I made. Especially the friends. And its difficult to try and think about whether I will ever see them again.

Not to mention, I miss my team. I never realized how difficult it was to be without them. I also never knew how difficult it was to explain my stories to someone other than my teammates. Whenever I explained something that I experienced to a teammate, even if they werent with me, I knew that they would somehow understand or listen. But being back in the States now, it's just different. People listen, but I'm not sure if they really are. It's not a good or bad thing. It just makes me miss and cherish all the friends I made and all the moments we shared together....

I also miss speaking the language that I learned from the last country that I went to. I know I only learned a little. But at random times, I want to just use my right hand (a cultural mannerism that I adapted), or say good morning in that language, or even thank you and etc. It's so disappointing to me to not be able to do that anymore. I know I'll work through these emotions and come to a stage where I am okay with that. It's just that I don't want to forget anything that I learned.

Anyway. Sorry for making this such a sad-sounding post! But dont worry... the future is looking brighter. Tonight I was able to share some stories and customs of the last country that I went to, and doing that brought me so much joy and contentment. I already feel better about what I shared with others. I suppose that the key to all of this is to share this new life that I have with others, especially with the ones that care about me. For a majority of today and yesterday, I just wanted to lay in bed and mope around because I was incredibly sad about leaving those countries and the beautiful people I met. It's still hard, but what I will try to do now is be a good steward and tell my story to everyone...

Anyway, sorry for the long blog!!! I was trying to keep it short. But please keep me in your prayers as well. This weekend is my uncle's funeral. And I have no idea how that will look. Hmong funerals are usually longer than 3 days, but in the states, because of everyone's busy schedules and because of the weekends being the only time open for others, Hmong American funerals are only 3 days. So this weekend will be just remembrance and a celebration of my uncle... pray for me and my family you guys. Thanks

I love you all. And to any of the friends that I met in Asia, I love you, miss you, and I am thinking of you.

-Danielle

P.S. My hopes are also lifted up because On December 26, I will be going to St. Louis with Ruth, Noelle, Nora, and Mikalia. Us ladies will be going to the Urbana 2009 Conference. It's an M Conference and will definitely mobilize us once more and connect us with several people. :) I'm SUPER excited about this conference, and I might possibly find a career-based job here. We'll see! :)