This week...

has been intense because of all the ups and downs I have had. Some of the ups was seeing my close friends, seeing my immediate family, and then seeing my "extended" family--this included several cousins and aunts/uncles that are from different states.

However, some of my downs was that although I was able to see many of my family members, it was because of the death of my uncle that I was able to see them. Many of them came to his funeral this past weekend. Other downs include: not being able to see my friends' (Ka Zoua and Michael Berry's) new born son, not being able to really connect with friends as much as I would like (Neng, Jenni, Roxy), the inconvenience of a broken phone, the cold weather, etc.... I know all of those are just small things that can be fixed.... but things get blown up when the real downs are that my uncle passed away... and I never got to say good bye to him.

My uncle was such a sweet, God-loving, humble, and humorous man. His smile was the most genuine and child-like and innocent, and biggest and cheesiest and sweetest and most contagious smile... He loved his wife and kids so much... and He loved God so much. I will miss him. Seeing his face at church and watching him cry because of how awesome our Lord is... I will miss him. And now I am challenged to be a good niece and cousin to my aunt and cousins. Watching them this weekend can't be described. I will never know what they went through until the time that may come for me to experience those things... but watching my dear family go through that pain was just so much...I can't explain it. This weekend was so long, so draining for me alone, and I can't even imagine how much it was for them. The funeral was four days with a watching night where we stayed up all night to the next day. My aunt barely got any sleep, and I'm sure my cousins didn't either... I just don't know what to feel or think...

I remember Dr. Morgan telling me to be prepared to face all of this when I returned home. But I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be of two extremes: where I would just be completely thrown back by my uncle's death and by the pain from it and by the pain my cousins + aunt will have; the other extreme was that I would be unaffected because as my uncle aged and became more ill, I grew distant from him and thought that I may not be as affected and may be able to be strong for my aunt and my cousins.... but I didnt really get either extremes but actually got a little of both worlds... it was like bouncing back and forth. And then sometimes, just laying in bed, feeling numb and wanting to just be gone and escape.

I'm sorry if this is too much emotions for you all to read... but this is what I am currently feeling. It hurts so much, especially since coming home from Asia has not really been what I expected. I've already gotten easily agitated, become impatient with my brothers and sister. My faith is so small and I am already falling into pieces. Materialism, apathy, immorality and sexual immorality, sin and everything is clawing at me and calling my name. The holiday spirit and festivities make me feel out of place and are also calling me to be merry when I really am not. Everyone is asking how my trip was, and really I just want to tell them about how much my heart opened up to living overseas and to learning a new language.... And I want to teach them what I have learned.... and I want to tell everyone how much I miss the cities and islands I went to. How much I miss our dear friends overseas.... everything. And about my team. How I miss my team. All the girls had their own unique personalities. The guys with their humor and with how they coped with such a small amount of guys. And Ruth, how she was my companion during the internship.... I wish I could express how faithful God was to me through all the people I met (through the team and through the nationals and etc...)

Despite the downs this weekend.... I will try to remember the ups as well... and the biggest up that I should remember is that my uncle is in a better place. I know he is smiling and rejoicing with the Lord and they are both smiling down. I can only ask that the H.S. helps my aunt and cousins during this hard time... and the other big up is that I developed some great friendships overseas... and although I may never see many of them again, I will remember all the memories I had with those wonderful people.... and how God blessed me and was glorified in them... Praise the Lord... Alham delullah... My God is still faithful even though I am imperfect and I mess up... TYJC. Kuv hlub koj thiab cia siab rau koj. Thov lo pab kuv os tus Tswv.