Words I never said...

"I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through."
-LF

Sometimes I never know what to say... all I know is that some things seriously are fucked up and aint right. I doubt and question all my own motives when something bothers me. Is it worth it? Am I being too legalistic, too aggressive? How patient should I be? How understanding should I be? How well should I be communicating? What does that even look like...? Are my doubts my own insecurity? Or are my doubts some dark twisted hegemony that continues this darkness that drives me to isolation?

The injustices that speak to me in my life leave me feeling like I'm dead sometimes. The silence I have completely consumes me. Sometimes I feel like I am just depressed and unhappy as a result of what this world is going through. How can I be happy in all of this? How can I have proud or joyful moments in all of this shit? This apathy, this materialism, this system? This blindness? Can a blind man really appreciate the view?

My silence is a dark evil... a carnivore... and it destroys everything I believe in. It consumes and rips me apart and eats me until I am no more.

All I want is the truth. What is the right thing to do? How do I address this greed, this apathy, this stupidity and ignorance? This pain? Do I have to shoot them and wound them to show them that they're already half way to their own deaths? Hurt them to show them they are hurt? Shout and shout at them until they finally register the truth?

I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to shake the 'peace.' I'm supposed to be the sweet and silent and gentle, non-aggresive Hmong girl that does everything right. The Asian girl that isn't supposed to be loud, with no actual opinion. The encouraging spiritual guide that never speaks about social activism.

My fear is not my silence. It's my fear of being alone. But sometimes, when you walk this road, loneliness is your companion... Depression is a sidekick. Patience is an enemy but needs to be kept closer than those that I love... and hope... he runs a head of me and I never seem to catch up.

It's so loud inside my head with words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said."
-LF