Live to be forgotten

"This is the moment, it's on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle, between wrong and right
But you know after all
It's your life
Whatcha gonna do?
The world is watching you
Everyday the choices you make
Say what you are who your heart beats for
It's an open door
It's your life"
-Francesca Battistelli

I always come to that phrase (live to be forgotten) when I am tempted to believe that making it big or living a glamorous life will only suffice. Today so many people in our generation that is paying attention to whats happening in the world and in our age, they are questioning everything. They are not satisfied. I believe that they are searching for truth. However that quest for truth tends be manifested into questions that always comes up... what do I live for? Is everything relative, if so why and if not why? Can I make any real change? Questions like these plague our generation and it either leads to apathy and ignorance, despair and cynicism, or it leads to a beautiful tension and long-suffering that will produce an outcome that many do not imagine (the possibilities are endless btw).

Today I was asking myself what am I living for? I realize that I live for the vain sometimes. Put that on repeat, and thats me. I look at other people's lives and I realize how unsatisfied I am with mine. I begin to fantasize about how I can be more satisfied if I did this, or did that, if I had this or had that. Eventually I tell myself how amazing and satisfied I would be if everyone on earth knew or remembered me for an important reason. Then I would be satisfied. Wow... talk about a huge task huh? I want to be remembered. Known. Appreciated. Loved. Etc....

As soon as I start thinking like that, I realize the Holy Spirit is saying something (in a very gentle way mind you): "Really? You want to be known?" I realize He really is saying do I really want to waste my life away like that, do I want to do something that was not intended for me. I realize how seriously selfish it kind of is to want that. People in our generation have been raised beginning on day one as the special generation that can do anything they want. We cant help it if we want all the spotlights and arrows pointing at us I guess. But like I said before, those of us that pay attention to the issues that are really happening in the world, the injustices that happen to those on the margins, to our earth, to women, orphans, minorites, families, etc, etc... we realize that there is so much more to this.

When I think about this, a quote I remember that Patrick Fung said at a conference that was profound, "Live to be forgotten." Patrick Fung was a successful doctor but gave up everything he had including his savings to go and be a missionary.

I realize that the main goal is to not live to be remembered but to live to be forgotten. When I live to be forgotten, I see the broken family that needs encouragement. I see a friend that just needs to be listened to. I see the earth that just needs an advocate. I see the big and small. When I forget myself and put others first... I realize that it is better to live to be forgotten. It is more satisfying because in the end you are making the biggest investment and change in the big and small ways (whether through the public, people's individual lives, a family, etc.).

If our generation chose to live this way, WOW. It would create a lot of change. And honestly, YES, I am one of those that believe change can happen with one person. When one person lives to be forgotten, it is contagious...

I could go into this so much more.... but it is almost 2 am. Live to be forgotten. Try it out. Dont live to be remembered or known. Dont live trying to find the temporary highs or finding satisfaction in the things of this world... live to be forgotten.

"Things aren't always what they seem
You're only seeing part of me
There's more than you could ever know behind the scenes
I'm incomplete and I'm undone
But I suppose like everyone
There's so much more that's going on behind the scenes"
-Francesca Battistelli

Interesting...

Thoughts anyone? I'm worried that these universities and campuses just want non-religious students that have activities outside of the academic setting. I think it benefits all universities/colleges when students are not only active in their faith but in their studies as well. What's the harm?

http://www.intervarsity.org/news/campus-faith-freedom-alert

What I have been learning:

These are things I have been learning from my classes this semester.

1. How to take care of the earth. We are products of our environment in so many ways. This includes society, nature, everything.










2. Depending solely on Yeshua and the Book for life's answers. I think 1 Corinthians 1-2 makes it pretty clear that we need to think with the mind of Isa al Masih instead of our own. We are flawed. This has probably been one of the greatest challenges and learning experiences so far: is everything I do from the Book, or is everything I do from my own will and I read/insert it into the Book? Am doing/following the right kind of theology?







3. Learning about the unique history of missions and about what it looks like today. Very interesting. It's good. It's bad. But ultimately it will end with bringing the true God glory. Can't wait to go to other nations and get their perspective on it too.













4. What is the truth? How can you explain or communicate it in a logical way? How do you know what you know? Is there absolute truth? Interesting questions eh? It's all dialogued about in my thought class.






5. A seminar class about the future/life after graduation. Loans. Jobs. Resume's. Etc. etc... quite stressful when thought about too much

The Last Song

This movie put a lot of things into perspective for me.
Love those you have. Let go of the past. Keep on loving.

I am still alive....

I have been tending to personal issues for the past month or so. Life gets kind of blurry when you are in the midst of school + drama + personal stuff. But I am coming around...

I wish for so many things but I dont want to vomit on the non-existent readers that may be reading this, lol.

I will say this though: I miss God, my students from China + Thailand, my friends and family from SE Asia, Thailand, and Beijing. Sometimes I become fooled (because of myself and the enemy) about how alone I am. When in reality, we are truly not alone. As simple as that.

Well this is the home stretch as some like to call it. Pretty much a month or so left and then school will be over. Or at least I hope it will be. :\ I feel so bad for my profs. They always have to deal with me... :\

I know I am jumping all over the place with this blog... but I have put myself through some unnecessary drama this past month. And I just need to tell myself that I am beautiful. And it doesnt matter what world is saying... I will always be my Father's little girl. Loved by the Creator of the world. I have siblings all over the world. A really big family. And yeah, sometimes our family has some crazy issues. But our Father is bigger than that and He will shape us to be like Him. You are beautiful... for everything you are. We are all beautiful.

Non-stop Going.

Wow.

It has been a very crazy 2 months. Talk about roller coaster rides. I feel like it's been an intense 6 months or something, lol.

But I just wanted to share this random insight that was illuminated to me. I learned that man, of all this time I don't think I will ever get that big "break" that I want. You know, where you have a whole year to just process life and everything. Sometimes, things just dont work out like that (unless I'm Warren Buffet and have lots of money. But honestly, maybe it doesnt even work like that either. Buffet has to work for his hard earned money too right?).

Anyway, I feel like nothing comes easy. Nothing is free. I have been privileged to live with my parents and have their provision for all these years, ignorantly recieving things that I never needed to work for because my parents can afford it.

Since nothing is free, I feel like I will always be working. I dont think that I will ever get that free year off of just processing everything. I suppose the processing is NOW. We are all recommended to read right? Yes. But it's not like we dont read for four years and then take a year off and read for that whole free year. We break down our time and read from time to time. Read 10 minutes a day and thats 10 books a year, according to Greg Jao, MC for Urbana.

Anyway. Yes, Maybe I am supposed to be having my break now. In this moment. Retreating everyday and learning to breathe. Not trying to save all my hopes and dreams into something else and hoping that this saved and sacred resting year will some how save me... will some how cause me to be sane. To stop thinking and "rest." No, I will never rest. I must work. Are the children in Haiti resting? No, they are recovering from the devestation that happened in their nation. Are the children suffering with the education gap resting? No, they are stuck with the status quo because their teachers and communities wont fully commit to them!

I can't rest. I need to work. I need to gain experience. Sigh. It's time to take my break. And then get back to work. Process and take breaks as I go for the rest of my life.

My being

This week I have been able to see my eyes be opened a bit. I see that I am a sinner, someone who has messed up a lot. I wish I can say that I am a credible person, credible in this and that, all concluding to a conclusion saying: I'm not that messed up. I've got it all together.

Well, I don't.

I so want to express myself but I have yet to find a medium. Maybe it's writing? I'm not sure. I have never been able to explore my creative writing side. Poetry was high school or middle school years of boy drama. I would like to say art, but even then I painted other people's art, not my own. I took pictures, but they were digital pictures or on a cheap camera. Maybe I'm not even giving myself enough credit.

Anyway.

A being inside me is stirring that is for sure. To want more, to be realistic. I am a Christian living in the 21st century. What is going on around me? How am I engaged? How can I even try to be the hands and feet of Jesus if I don't even talk to him on a daily basis? Trust, love, obey, pray to, etc HIM on a daily basis? How come I don't surround myself with the type of people he surrounded himself by?

My being longs for discipline. And at the same time, my being is terrified of failure or not living up to the standard.... But I pray that God will grant me forgiveness and help me forgive myself. I need to just keep going. I can't quit. He is the truth and I need him desperately. I need the truth. Because everything around me is screaming its own way. I need the true way. The real way.