My being

This week I have been able to see my eyes be opened a bit. I see that I am a sinner, someone who has messed up a lot. I wish I can say that I am a credible person, credible in this and that, all concluding to a conclusion saying: I'm not that messed up. I've got it all together.

Well, I don't.

I so want to express myself but I have yet to find a medium. Maybe it's writing? I'm not sure. I have never been able to explore my creative writing side. Poetry was high school or middle school years of boy drama. I would like to say art, but even then I painted other people's art, not my own. I took pictures, but they were digital pictures or on a cheap camera. Maybe I'm not even giving myself enough credit.

Anyway.

A being inside me is stirring that is for sure. To want more, to be realistic. I am a Christian living in the 21st century. What is going on around me? How am I engaged? How can I even try to be the hands and feet of Jesus if I don't even talk to him on a daily basis? Trust, love, obey, pray to, etc HIM on a daily basis? How come I don't surround myself with the type of people he surrounded himself by?

My being longs for discipline. And at the same time, my being is terrified of failure or not living up to the standard.... But I pray that God will grant me forgiveness and help me forgive myself. I need to just keep going. I can't quit. He is the truth and I need him desperately. I need the truth. Because everything around me is screaming its own way. I need the true way. The real way.