Goals for the weekend:

1. Finally tell you about Asia before I can't recall it because I did not purposefully write about it.

2. Write thank you letters to all my cool supporters

3. Write the news letters about my trip to the supporters

4. Possibly send these out to my supporters on Sunday and this following week

5. Plan the slideshow with Ruth Moua

6. Plan my presentation for the big meetings on Sundays

7. Plan my Bible Studies for the month of February

8. Strategically plan my ambitious goals from the Urbana post

9. Do homework. :P

Plans ahead.

I want to accomplish so many things within this next semester and next year. I feel as if school is actually motivating me to do it, even if I don't want to be going to school. But it's nice to have "something" to do. I fear that if I wasn't going to school or didn't work or anything, I would just waste life away at home, doing nothing. At least when you're doing something, it makes you think about what you would really like to be doing.

After B Study today, I was encouraged to start more individual-small group B Studies with some girls in my youth group and with some of my own friends. I want to start book clubs and everything with Christians that are yearning for more. Etc etc. With knowledge does come responsibility, and I want to really get into action with all the things I'm learning/the things I now know.

Reading all these stories inspire me to life as I once saw it before when I was an innocent freshman in college: I can do anything if I truly believe in myself. Of course the Lord is the foundation of that. But anyway, I realized that I don't think like that anymore. Fears, pain, rejection, doubts and many other things cloud up my mind, discouraging many of us from taking risks and going after our dreams. I SO want to chase after my dreams. But questions eat me up and I throw it and put it back in my head, locked up in a file drawer some where.

But lately, I've jsut been so inspired to do so many things, even if I mess up. I want to spill out all the things I want to do but honestly I don't want to reveal them yet for several reasons. (I have no idea who reads these blogs :P) But anyway, the books I've been reading have been the true inspiration. They really call for action. I would suggest that you read them yourselves.

Current book I'm reading is called Everyday Justice: The Global Impact of Our Daily Choices by Julie Clawson. It gives a very general background about many things that we use/do everyday--garbage, food, coffee, clothes, gas, etc. It also gives us the scoop on the means of how these things land in our hands...and the means isn't always a pretty picture. I suggest you guys read it, and trust me, if you open your heart and eyes, you would definitely be inspired to act and create some change.

Here's to me opening my ears and trusting in the H.S. to simply guide me on this journey.

Urbana '09

I can't really say much because it is nearing 3 am and my body is exhausted. But I wanted to talk about Urbana.

This Urbana has definitely challenged me a lot more than the first time I went in 2006. The message was not any better, nor did it influence me "deeper." But it's just that as a freshman (in 2006) I just soaked in all the learning. I didn't put very much application into my life, only knowledge. And it was good knowledge too, don't get me wrong. However, this time, in 2009, Allah has really challenged me to do something called: application--actions.

I always tell people that Urbana is not your "typical" conference--the spiritual revival that is very intimate between your soul and the Lord, a more "self-focused-and-renewal" type of conference. No, this revival (includes those things but) is MUCH MORE--it PUSHES you to think and worship out of your own comfort zones. It makes you think about the world (the conference pretty much shoves as much as it can about what's going on in the world within 5 days), and to GO OUT into the world, the world that Allah loves so much that he gave his one and only Son for it (John 3:16). This conference is so big that one can feel very small. Usually, at typical C-conferences, you have camp counselors running up to you, begging to pray for you and tell you about how much J.C. loves you. However, at this conference, you honestly need to seek out what you are looking for (and yes, they do have those "counselors" there too. :) You just have to find them.) What you can find is so vast, and some of those things includes but are not limited to: m-workers that are willing to pay for your lunch and have a conversation with you, SEVERAL m-workers and other exhibitors from various agencies and/or places in the world, students from all over north america and the world, different schools/seminaries, prayer and worships rooms that include artistic worship to ethnic prayer rooms, prayer counselors, exploration of downtown st. louis, one of my heroes: John M. Perkins, Shane Claiborne, some AMAZING speakers, worship in different languages, creative arts performances, and so so much more................

As you can tell, there's so much that it can be a bit overwhelming. But honestly, up until this point, this overwhelm-ness seems to be a blessing instead of a curse. A lot of times in our lives, we freak out because we are overwhelmed with SO MUCH stuff. School. Family. Job. Money. Loneliness. Etc. Etc. !!! This list goes on and I can pul my head out... lol. BUT throw Urbana and the world on top of that, AND two months in different countries---I was going a widdo cwazy. But now that I think about it... I see that all this is a blessing. I am thankful that the H.S. is challenging me in this way because what was this journey on earth supposed to be???? Convenient? Simplistic? Easy? A breeze? SIGH, inconveniently: no.

I'm assuming that the call to balance a life of loving a personal Lord, doing justice, living Holy, and making disciples of all nations aint really supposed to be easy. No wonder He tells us to seek the Kingdom first... but here we all are (none of you of course as J.P. would say :P) FREAKING out about why we aren't happy, why we have so many worries, why my life doesn't look like that pretty girl in the latest hit movie (Bella Swan I suppose, falling in love with a random vampire.... of course, vamps don't exist--and if we truly wanted to be like her, the closest we could get and the start of a great learning experience would be to date outside our own ethnicities---but that's your call to do the Lord's will with that area, lol), or why I am so darn lonely in this world.... etc etc.

But when I hear his sweet and humble Spirit telling me to "come...and...see" (John 1:39) I can't help but let go of what this world is telling me to believe. I can't help but drink from this living water, and fall in love with the J.C. I first met in 2004. The loving Savior that came and dwelled among us, in this world. A Savior that still dwells among us today. A Savior that is alive and not dead, a God that can hear us and longs to be reconciled and reunited with us. By being renewed and revived like this convicts me to obey the Lord and to follow Him with all my heart and to give Him my life... to change and be holy for him... I of course have to start little by little.... but slowly, I forget to hold onto living in my lustful thoughts, in my desires of feeling loved by others, in my yearnings for material things.... and instead, my heart is praying for these desires to change, my eyes are turning away from looking at things that destroy my soul, and my ears are starting to hear that what I listened to or thought before were lies that I believed....

God is at work in me... and that is because I am beginning to apply what I learned from Urbana: application.... and what is this application? It is obedience. And what is this obedience? Choosing to obey him in the little things. Choosing to share who he is to others. Choosing to live a holy life. And most of all...choosing to let Him be my strength and path and counselor all the way through.

At this conference, I was challenged to truly put what I saw/learned into practice... (btw that's what I learned from my internship too, ironically), but I am going to have to engage in my "Samaria"--the place that I probably do not want to walk through, but I am going to have to anyway. I'm going to start a book club this semester. I'm going to also start some book studies with my friends as well. I'm going to invest in the lives of people that are not non-C. I'm going to visit my cousins and my aunt that just lost their father/husband. I'm going to take care of my grandma. I'm going to stay involved with my church. I'm going to possibly find a job. I'm going to possibly start another book club after the first book is finished. I'm going to help my dad at his office more. I'm going to be home more often to be with my younger brother. I'm going to cook more for my parents. I'm going to read a few more books about living justly. But most of all, I'm going to invest in my relationship with Allah. Because if I don't, all of this is going to go down and mean absolutely nothing......... at all.

You may wonder: how in the world am I going to do this???? WHO KNOWS. But I am going to trust in God. And you know what? I am going to get A's this semester. I don't care who says I won't!!! I'm going to shoot for them. Why??? Because the Lord and I deserve them. That's all I got to say.

I don't want to be a content Christian. I want to be a busy one. I want to be a worker of the harvest. I don't want to stand on the side and roast in the sun as the harvest continues to grow.... I count all these overwhelming things I learned and all these overwhelming applications that I am going to do a BLESSING. It's not an easy road. But by the Lord's grace, and Lord willing in general, I will be able to do these things in HIS strength. I hope that fruit may come from this.

Pray for me my brothers and sisters!!! And if you did not learn anything about what I learned at Urbana, take a look at one of the speakers that I enjoyed and was most challeneged by. Alec Hill, president of Intervarsity. It's worth listening to. To my brothers and sisters in J.C.: I love you and I hope that the H.S. is pushing you to fulfill your calling. He LOVES you and will give you strength to endure it to the end!!! To my nonbelieving friends, I can only hope that you see something different in me and that you will believe that this is a reflection of God's love for YOU. To my friends and/or to people that randomly landed on this page--people that are hurting, unsure, of whether to follow or continue to follow J.C., do not give up his whisper and calling and longing to be with you, to forgive you, and to guide you in this life. He loves you, and he is near you. He dwelled among us, he met us where we are at, and today is the day that He wants to meet you and be the Savior of your life. I love you and hope that you will pray that the H.S. will show you and let you "see" who J.C. is all about. Don't be afraid. Have faith. He will take care of all your needs.

Missions on Your Campus: Alec Hill from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.

p.s. I did unpack from Asia, finally. :) But my room is a pigsty. No joke. I want to give away some of my clothes. Any suggestions? If I sell it away, I would like to give it to my church or one of the places I saw overseas. Tata and BE BLESSED!

I haven't unpacked yet

Seriously. I haven't.

Well, I have moved some things around here and there. But my turquoise suitcase is still sitting in the middle of my room, with clothes spilling out of it. Souvenirs lying everywhere around it, and of course, all of my mess from before I left for the internship.

I wish you could have all just heard my sigh of stress? Relief? No...it's that sigh of a child, when the mom says: "Okay darling, we really have to leave the playground now. We need to go." And when you hear her say "we need to go" it meant "we are leaving." And when you hear those words, you sigh this particular sigh that meant an end to all your adventure, exploring, etc. It's that type of sigh. The ringing gong that says, "wake up! get back to reality. no more living in this different time, in this place where you were free to start fresh and learn new things."

Around 4PM today, I printed out all my pictures and continue to dwell and look over on all the pictures from SE Asia. Although I valued and enjoyed each place that I went to, SEA is still with me. Maybe it's because that's the last place that I went to. Or maybe because, as I was pondering today, it was the only place where I got to live where the people lived, really ate the food that they made with their own hands, showered like how they showered, got to have deeper conversations with the staff, etc. As I thought over these things and looked over my pictures, I decided that I can't let the journey I had with them go in vain by just letting my suitcase sit there in my room and rot.... remember the blog I labeled as stewardship??? Maybe it's not really good stewardship to continue to live in a place mentally that I was not at physically....although I did enjoy my time in SEA so much, and I miss it so much too. I just know that I need to wake up and realize that I am in a new place, and that this place deserves just as much amount of attention as SEA. Because if I learned anything at all from SEA, it was that Allah is not partial to anyone, any people, etc... He loves all.

So, the sigh that I had, I guess that's the type of sigh of a child. Sort of (Because what really happened to me wasnt just a playground, it was really life. The only difference is that I have to choose the things I want to remember and to stick with from this learning ground that I encountered and take it with me and put it to practice wherever I go from now on...). So as of today, and it completely wrapped up to this night/morning of C-Day, I have finally accepted the fact that I need to unpack my suitcase and begin to move on. Begin to really refine what happened and what happened to me during the trip, being to really tell people what I need to tell them... being to finalize what pictures I want to use to tell people what I experienced and saw, etc. etc.

And I hope that whatever I communicate with the ears that are listening, I hope that they will also be able to take any of the little things I've told them to heart and maybe perhaps practice it too. Today was also a great day of my hopes coming true: before our "C-Day eve meal" (lol cuz my family has NEVER had one of those till tonight sorta), we were all going to pray and my parents both put their hands out as to how SEAsians would (hands laying with palms facing up, as if to receive a blessing). They made sure to keep their eyes open, and what was most rewarding and beautiful was that they even remembered to bring their palms to their faces/nose, to accept the blessing they receieved (and it was so special because IRONICALLY I had forgotten to accept the blessing, lol....).

Anyway, that little gesture meant so much to me. It shows me that the people I met and the places I saw were really real. it just wasnt child's play. These were real people with genuine values, concerns, beliefs, etc. And somehow, I was able to show a little small portion of their life to my family members... I wonder if I was able to communicate a little bit at all of what Isa Al Masih's (J.C.) lifestyle may have been like to them.

Stewardship

Being a good steward is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Seriously. What happens when I have money? I spend it quickly instead of saving it or tithing or using it for a better purpose. What do I invest my time in on a school night? Relaxing in front of a computer instead of doing homework. My point is, when I am given something, whether it is a role, a material thing, or a responsibility, I usually butcher it. :\

Today, I saw Dr. M @ NWC and wow, it was wonderful to see him. As I was downloading my pics that I stored on the team's laptop, I read the email he forwarded us from an ICS team member from a few years back. Not to simplify the email, but it pretty much challenged me in this way: I need to really choose to commit to what I learned/experienced and/or to commit to the changes that I made (or wanted to make). Something like that. And it made me reflect on all that I did learn and see overseas about everything inside me and around me...

Throughout the rest of the day, I began to think about some of the changes or things that I want to commit to....

-Evangelism. Not being ashamed of the Gospel, but really pursuing others in love and gentleness, and suffering what I need to suffer as I carry my cross and spread the Good News in all I do... The main thing I need to do in this area is to ask better questions... I'm usually not the person asking people about Jesus. For some reason, in the past, I usually only talk about God to friends/family/acquaintances when they ask. But after being in the islands of SE Asia, I have truly seen that I need to do what Allah calls me to do in Matt 28:19. People that I need to do this better with are my parents and non-Christian friends.... I need to express to them how grateful I am for J.C.... He has done so much for me and I want to tell the people that I care about how important He is to me, and how much they would love Him too.

-The friends I made overseas. Like my students and adopted family members and C friends. I need to continue to develop my friendships with them somehow. So I will have to get REALLY creative.... like maybe sending them pictures/postcards, small things from my own culture, pretty much sharing my life with them and hoping that they reciprocate and get to know me...

There's so much more.... but these are mainly some of it...

This week...

has been intense because of all the ups and downs I have had. Some of the ups was seeing my close friends, seeing my immediate family, and then seeing my "extended" family--this included several cousins and aunts/uncles that are from different states.

However, some of my downs was that although I was able to see many of my family members, it was because of the death of my uncle that I was able to see them. Many of them came to his funeral this past weekend. Other downs include: not being able to see my friends' (Ka Zoua and Michael Berry's) new born son, not being able to really connect with friends as much as I would like (Neng, Jenni, Roxy), the inconvenience of a broken phone, the cold weather, etc.... I know all of those are just small things that can be fixed.... but things get blown up when the real downs are that my uncle passed away... and I never got to say good bye to him.

My uncle was such a sweet, God-loving, humble, and humorous man. His smile was the most genuine and child-like and innocent, and biggest and cheesiest and sweetest and most contagious smile... He loved his wife and kids so much... and He loved God so much. I will miss him. Seeing his face at church and watching him cry because of how awesome our Lord is... I will miss him. And now I am challenged to be a good niece and cousin to my aunt and cousins. Watching them this weekend can't be described. I will never know what they went through until the time that may come for me to experience those things... but watching my dear family go through that pain was just so much...I can't explain it. This weekend was so long, so draining for me alone, and I can't even imagine how much it was for them. The funeral was four days with a watching night where we stayed up all night to the next day. My aunt barely got any sleep, and I'm sure my cousins didn't either... I just don't know what to feel or think...

I remember Dr. Morgan telling me to be prepared to face all of this when I returned home. But I didn't think it would be like this. I thought it would be of two extremes: where I would just be completely thrown back by my uncle's death and by the pain from it and by the pain my cousins + aunt will have; the other extreme was that I would be unaffected because as my uncle aged and became more ill, I grew distant from him and thought that I may not be as affected and may be able to be strong for my aunt and my cousins.... but I didnt really get either extremes but actually got a little of both worlds... it was like bouncing back and forth. And then sometimes, just laying in bed, feeling numb and wanting to just be gone and escape.

I'm sorry if this is too much emotions for you all to read... but this is what I am currently feeling. It hurts so much, especially since coming home from Asia has not really been what I expected. I've already gotten easily agitated, become impatient with my brothers and sister. My faith is so small and I am already falling into pieces. Materialism, apathy, immorality and sexual immorality, sin and everything is clawing at me and calling my name. The holiday spirit and festivities make me feel out of place and are also calling me to be merry when I really am not. Everyone is asking how my trip was, and really I just want to tell them about how much my heart opened up to living overseas and to learning a new language.... And I want to teach them what I have learned.... and I want to tell everyone how much I miss the cities and islands I went to. How much I miss our dear friends overseas.... everything. And about my team. How I miss my team. All the girls had their own unique personalities. The guys with their humor and with how they coped with such a small amount of guys. And Ruth, how she was my companion during the internship.... I wish I could express how faithful God was to me through all the people I met (through the team and through the nationals and etc...)

Despite the downs this weekend.... I will try to remember the ups as well... and the biggest up that I should remember is that my uncle is in a better place. I know he is smiling and rejoicing with the Lord and they are both smiling down. I can only ask that the H.S. helps my aunt and cousins during this hard time... and the other big up is that I developed some great friendships overseas... and although I may never see many of them again, I will remember all the memories I had with those wonderful people.... and how God blessed me and was glorified in them... Praise the Lord... Alham delullah... My God is still faithful even though I am imperfect and I mess up... TYJC. Kuv hlub koj thiab cia siab rau koj. Thov lo pab kuv os tus Tswv.

Back "home"

Hey all, I'm finally back home again. Home. What an interesting name. Although this is home, for some reason my heart is still in Asia.

I have so much to say. I wish I could have documented everything onto a USB flashdrive and just stick it in your brain, and have you all watch what I experienced. :) But of course life isn't that easy right?

Anyway, I won't spill all the goodies here in this blog, cuz there is so much to say, therefore there's also a lot of organizing to do. I just wanted to let you all know that I officially arrived back in the states on December 14 @ 10:30 am in Minneapolis (which was yesterday morning). I slept all day, then woke up at 9. Went back to sleep at 12 am, woke up at 4 am, went back to sleep at 10 am, then woke up at 4 pm. Lol. Right now it's 1:30 am. I'll be heading to sleep soon.

But anyway, I just want to thank all of you that have been following my updates and the blog. It means so much to me to know that many of you care enough to read this stuff. It's actually very touching. I apologize for the lack of updates for the past 2-3 weeks. In Southeast Asia, my team and I were at islands without internet connection. And if there was a connection, it was very low. So, no worries, the full updates should be coming a long for these next couple of weeks.

Anyhoo, for these past couple of days, many people have already been asking me how the trip was and I just have the hardest time trying to tell them. I planned on certain things to tell people in one sentence, but that sentence changes with different people. So it's hard. Therefore, before I completely update you all with what happened and what I did in Asia, I'll just let yall know what's on my heart and mind right now. Which is a lot.

Anyway, as of now, I suppose I go in and out of being sad. It's like I'm mourning what I saw and experienced. Today, I looked at the sand that I brought back home from an island that I stayed at... doing that brought a lot of emotions out. Every time I left a country, I would mourn for that place for about two weeks. Right now, I'm still mourning for the last country I went to. I'm just thinking about all the language that I learned (which was very little), the food, the ocean, and the wonderful friends I made. Especially the friends. And its difficult to try and think about whether I will ever see them again.

Not to mention, I miss my team. I never realized how difficult it was to be without them. I also never knew how difficult it was to explain my stories to someone other than my teammates. Whenever I explained something that I experienced to a teammate, even if they werent with me, I knew that they would somehow understand or listen. But being back in the States now, it's just different. People listen, but I'm not sure if they really are. It's not a good or bad thing. It just makes me miss and cherish all the friends I made and all the moments we shared together....

I also miss speaking the language that I learned from the last country that I went to. I know I only learned a little. But at random times, I want to just use my right hand (a cultural mannerism that I adapted), or say good morning in that language, or even thank you and etc. It's so disappointing to me to not be able to do that anymore. I know I'll work through these emotions and come to a stage where I am okay with that. It's just that I don't want to forget anything that I learned.

Anyway. Sorry for making this such a sad-sounding post! But dont worry... the future is looking brighter. Tonight I was able to share some stories and customs of the last country that I went to, and doing that brought me so much joy and contentment. I already feel better about what I shared with others. I suppose that the key to all of this is to share this new life that I have with others, especially with the ones that care about me. For a majority of today and yesterday, I just wanted to lay in bed and mope around because I was incredibly sad about leaving those countries and the beautiful people I met. It's still hard, but what I will try to do now is be a good steward and tell my story to everyone...

Anyway, sorry for the long blog!!! I was trying to keep it short. But please keep me in your prayers as well. This weekend is my uncle's funeral. And I have no idea how that will look. Hmong funerals are usually longer than 3 days, but in the states, because of everyone's busy schedules and because of the weekends being the only time open for others, Hmong American funerals are only 3 days. So this weekend will be just remembrance and a celebration of my uncle... pray for me and my family you guys. Thanks

I love you all. And to any of the friends that I met in Asia, I love you, miss you, and I am thinking of you.

-Danielle

P.S. My hopes are also lifted up because On December 26, I will be going to St. Louis with Ruth, Noelle, Nora, and Mikalia. Us ladies will be going to the Urbana 2009 Conference. It's an M Conference and will definitely mobilize us once more and connect us with several people. :) I'm SUPER excited about this conference, and I might possibly find a career-based job here. We'll see! :)