That's how much more I need to raise. But I'm sure that I already have that amount...they just haven't added all the other donations.
Well, I am really behind in some stuff. Agggh. Sometimes I want to give up when I'm stuck in a rut like this. How do you get out of this? Do you still take it bit by bit? I guess it doesn't help and drop everything... which is what I'm kinda doing.
This next week I have two research papers, two finals (I believe) and two presentations, lol. Double everythang. In addition, this week the team and I are doing some hardcore fundraising. :P It's all so last minute but I hope that God will bless our efforts.
Well gonna go do some worship now in chapel. Two more weeks until we leave! WOW it's really happening...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Kanye West
It's heart breaking to see the racial divide still be so prevalent in the U.S. Some people think it's solved. I just think people think there are no more issues because they want to avoid the shame and guilt from our awful history (and if you're White, maybe the shame/guilt is also from having your own "race/ethnicity" cause such pain and tragedy to another group). Not only that, but many of the people who do not believe the issues are there anymore may be people that typically don't have to deal with the issues or didn't grow up dealing with the issues/knowing the issues.
So today, people wonder why Black people make such a "big" deal out of racism. They wonder why they are so "crazy" or "angry." I just have to say that unless you have grown up with the history and generational context of what their people went through, then you have no right to say that. It's devastating, the history and the experience that their people went through. What they are STILL going through. I can only imagine so much as the second generation from a refugee-family-context. However, the story of the Black people in the U.S. is completely different too.
Regardless of how much of a saint you want to be in this area, or how much of a saint you think you already are--you have no credit to question Black people's views of racism, unless you have grown up with or TRULY learned the values and culture of Black people, and are able to completely understand where they are coming from. You have no credit to say that you are NOT "prejudice" against this group of people--because we have all heard the stereotypes, and we know them well. They affect us way more than we can even imagine. We have our preconceived judgments that have been seeped and planted in us.
Some of these stereotypes and learned judgments are seen when someone steps up and says something, particularly of the minority, in this case Kanye West. MAN people react like crazy when a black man stands up and says something! LET THE MAN SPEAK! Can he not be a man and have his "rights" to freely speak? No, instead he is seen as the crazy BLACK man. I don't mind using labels sometimes like "Black" or "White" in a non-negative way. But I just don't understand why people complain that there is no more race/racism but they invalidate and discredit Kanye's views and do exactly what they believe doesn't exist anymore! They validate their "superior" view and invalidate the view from a Black man that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Anyone else would let a WHITE MAN speak boldly and passionately--and when it's a liberal, extremist, racist, communist, socialist, or some type of "ism/ist" type of speech from the WHITE MAN, the majority will just label him as a lunatic extremist from the selected "ism/ist." BUT when a black man speaks, it's just: "OH, there goes another one of those black people complaining again...." The BLACK man that speaks up gets labeled as the "reverse" racist for life and is shamed FOREVER, while the conservative-radio-show-host WHITE man says something so derogatory, but all he loses is his JOB--but then gets hired for another. He's just an individual going crazy and speaking his mind. But Kanye, well he's just a crazy BLACK man, not an "individual" with his own thoughts and convictions--but just another crazy Black man that complains about racism. Why can't he just be nice like those other successful Black people that don't complain? (Being rhetorical here)
Can you see the difference here? Where am I trying to come from??? Folks I'll just give it to you: there is this word called PRIVILEGE. We all have it in our own ways. Sometimes privileges are blessings, but beware they are/can be a CURSE too. This is the white man's privilege: you can say and do whatever you want, you might get labeled as stupid or something, but the privilege from your KNOWN and UNROBBED history has given you, from the status you already are ASCRIBED in society (a status that began to be ascribed a few centuries ago--when other racial groups were oppressed; and something that was STILL ascribed 40/50 years ago when other racial groups were discriminated agaisnt), from the color of your skin, from the majority of people that look/think like you, from the general "mainstream" culture, will always be there to validate you in the end and get you back up on your feet.
But the black man's privilege? Not sure if there is one... you say whatever you want, as stupid/crazy/angry you want... but your "ascribed" status in society is reaffirmed even though people will say that everyone is equal: lower class, crazy if angry, complaining, a person with no credit or validity.
Okay. I'm going to stop right there....
But more about Kanye West. I understand that the man has issues of his own folks. From his big break up with his gf, to the death of his mother, to his own experience as an artist, and as a Black man. Some of these issues in his life manifested from his George Bush statement, to his outburst backstage at the VMAs regarding him being the "best artist," to his outburst with T. Swift. They are all different in and of themselves. He is a very passionate man that doesn't know how to get his words out in a way that makes sense to people. He does it best through his music, which is probably why he is such a great artist. We are all like that in some way.
Anyway, personally, I think he is a very broken hearted man right now. People need to stop being so hard on him. Looking at those statements above, I think he has strong convictions about social issues, and about music. But people need to stop being so hard about him and his convictions, because he is still trying to find a way to say them. He's saying it in a white that makes sense to him. So folks lets be patient, since he is also going through so much pain. Read the lyrics to his music people! You can see it folks. Don't write off what he has to say just because it doesnt make sense to you nor because you dont agree. Instead, understand that the man is going through a lot of pain and is just like all of us... His words may not make the most sense right now, especially with those losses in his life, but lets just keep an open ear and listen to what this musical prophet has to say... Let the man be a man... and yes he is a Black man, but still, first he is an individual man within a collective group of people.
Enough said for now. More will come about the race topic.
So today, people wonder why Black people make such a "big" deal out of racism. They wonder why they are so "crazy" or "angry." I just have to say that unless you have grown up with the history and generational context of what their people went through, then you have no right to say that. It's devastating, the history and the experience that their people went through. What they are STILL going through. I can only imagine so much as the second generation from a refugee-family-context. However, the story of the Black people in the U.S. is completely different too.
Regardless of how much of a saint you want to be in this area, or how much of a saint you think you already are--you have no credit to question Black people's views of racism, unless you have grown up with or TRULY learned the values and culture of Black people, and are able to completely understand where they are coming from. You have no credit to say that you are NOT "prejudice" against this group of people--because we have all heard the stereotypes, and we know them well. They affect us way more than we can even imagine. We have our preconceived judgments that have been seeped and planted in us.
Some of these stereotypes and learned judgments are seen when someone steps up and says something, particularly of the minority, in this case Kanye West. MAN people react like crazy when a black man stands up and says something! LET THE MAN SPEAK! Can he not be a man and have his "rights" to freely speak? No, instead he is seen as the crazy BLACK man. I don't mind using labels sometimes like "Black" or "White" in a non-negative way. But I just don't understand why people complain that there is no more race/racism but they invalidate and discredit Kanye's views and do exactly what they believe doesn't exist anymore! They validate their "superior" view and invalidate the view from a Black man that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Anyone else would let a WHITE MAN speak boldly and passionately--and when it's a liberal, extremist, racist, communist, socialist, or some type of "ism/ist" type of speech from the WHITE MAN, the majority will just label him as a lunatic extremist from the selected "ism/ist." BUT when a black man speaks, it's just: "OH, there goes another one of those black people complaining again...." The BLACK man that speaks up gets labeled as the "reverse" racist for life and is shamed FOREVER, while the conservative-radio-show-host WHITE man says something so derogatory, but all he loses is his JOB--but then gets hired for another. He's just an individual going crazy and speaking his mind. But Kanye, well he's just a crazy BLACK man, not an "individual" with his own thoughts and convictions--but just another crazy Black man that complains about racism. Why can't he just be nice like those other successful Black people that don't complain? (Being rhetorical here)
Can you see the difference here? Where am I trying to come from??? Folks I'll just give it to you: there is this word called PRIVILEGE. We all have it in our own ways. Sometimes privileges are blessings, but beware they are/can be a CURSE too. This is the white man's privilege: you can say and do whatever you want, you might get labeled as stupid or something, but the privilege from your KNOWN and UNROBBED history has given you, from the status you already are ASCRIBED in society (a status that began to be ascribed a few centuries ago--when other racial groups were oppressed; and something that was STILL ascribed 40/50 years ago when other racial groups were discriminated agaisnt), from the color of your skin, from the majority of people that look/think like you, from the general "mainstream" culture, will always be there to validate you in the end and get you back up on your feet.
But the black man's privilege? Not sure if there is one... you say whatever you want, as stupid/crazy/angry you want... but your "ascribed" status in society is reaffirmed even though people will say that everyone is equal: lower class, crazy if angry, complaining, a person with no credit or validity.
Okay. I'm going to stop right there....
But more about Kanye West. I understand that the man has issues of his own folks. From his big break up with his gf, to the death of his mother, to his own experience as an artist, and as a Black man. Some of these issues in his life manifested from his George Bush statement, to his outburst backstage at the VMAs regarding him being the "best artist," to his outburst with T. Swift. They are all different in and of themselves. He is a very passionate man that doesn't know how to get his words out in a way that makes sense to people. He does it best through his music, which is probably why he is such a great artist. We are all like that in some way.
Anyway, personally, I think he is a very broken hearted man right now. People need to stop being so hard on him. Looking at those statements above, I think he has strong convictions about social issues, and about music. But people need to stop being so hard about him and his convictions, because he is still trying to find a way to say them. He's saying it in a white that makes sense to him. So folks lets be patient, since he is also going through so much pain. Read the lyrics to his music people! You can see it folks. Don't write off what he has to say just because it doesnt make sense to you nor because you dont agree. Instead, understand that the man is going through a lot of pain and is just like all of us... His words may not make the most sense right now, especially with those losses in his life, but lets just keep an open ear and listen to what this musical prophet has to say... Let the man be a man... and yes he is a Black man, but still, first he is an individual man within a collective group of people.
Enough said for now. More will come about the race topic.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Moolah Part II
Well just wanted to send a big thanks to all the people that are supporting me financially! Wow, God has definitely been faithful and providing. Just this weekend alone, God allowed me to raise $1040 dollars. Not only that, but a couple of weeks ago, it was confirmed that NWC was going to contribute $1000 to each student on the internship. This pretty much means that I have about $820 to raise (if I include the $140 + Heidi's $20 that I got a few weeks back). I can't believe that $3260 has somehow been raised. Praise God! The Lord has been faithful and so has everyone else! Thank you Jesus! And may God continue to bless all those supporting me financially and through prayers! Omigoodness, it is much appreciated. Thank you! :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Moolah
According to my calculations, I have about three more weeks to raise $2000 for the internship. Crazy huh? So if you, rare stranger that never likely reads my blog, would so kindly like to donate, please send me an email to dzlor@students.nwc.edu and we can talk. :)
Anyway, not much to update about though. Met with the miss that is hosting us in China the other day. That was interesting. She's very forward and bold. And I definitely saw how she understood the Chinese culture from her own pov.
Anyhoo, the schedule of our time in China looks great, although I have mixed feelings about seeing the Great Wall... since the books we've been reading feel so strongly about Christians not taking "vacations." We'll see; this will have to be another conversation with the team. Nonetheless, everything seems so much more real now, now that there is an itinerary schedule. I am most nervous and yet excited about the concept of "the amazing race" we'll be doing in Beijing with university students. Lol, I can see myself already stressing out yet marveling at everything I see (i.e. the excessive amount of Asian people around me lol--not something you see everyday in the U.S.).
Yesterday we met the Indehars. They are on furlough from Thailand. That was fun because they have such inviting personalities, and I can totally see how they both complement one another as husband and wife. Learned a few thai phrases. Sa wat dee ka is how a female would say hello. :) It was good talking to them also just cuz it also makes things more real too. They talked about Santisuk, the english school that I'll be teaching at. I'm getting more and more nervous now that I think about it.
Anyway, I must be about doing homework. Sigh. Please though, please feel free to donate some money for my funds! Thank you.
-Danielle
P.S. Here's another pic of the team. I feel that I am really developing friendships with a few of the girls that aren't Hmong, and I am so excited about it. I truly feel that these girls genuinely care and are real. But of course, that's just me interpreting things my way :P.
Anyway, not much to update about though. Met with the miss that is hosting us in China the other day. That was interesting. She's very forward and bold. And I definitely saw how she understood the Chinese culture from her own pov.
Anyhoo, the schedule of our time in China looks great, although I have mixed feelings about seeing the Great Wall... since the books we've been reading feel so strongly about Christians not taking "vacations." We'll see; this will have to be another conversation with the team. Nonetheless, everything seems so much more real now, now that there is an itinerary schedule. I am most nervous and yet excited about the concept of "the amazing race" we'll be doing in Beijing with university students. Lol, I can see myself already stressing out yet marveling at everything I see (i.e. the excessive amount of Asian people around me lol--not something you see everyday in the U.S.).
Yesterday we met the Indehars. They are on furlough from Thailand. That was fun because they have such inviting personalities, and I can totally see how they both complement one another as husband and wife. Learned a few thai phrases. Sa wat dee ka is how a female would say hello. :) It was good talking to them also just cuz it also makes things more real too. They talked about Santisuk, the english school that I'll be teaching at. I'm getting more and more nervous now that I think about it.
Anyway, I must be about doing homework. Sigh. Please though, please feel free to donate some money for my funds! Thank you.
-Danielle
P.S. Here's another pic of the team. I feel that I am really developing friendships with a few of the girls that aren't Hmong, and I am so excited about it. I truly feel that these girls genuinely care and are real. But of course, that's just me interpreting things my way :P.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Team
Well, school is in full force now. It is crazy considering how fast everything is going. Everything is so "academic" and it's starting to bite me because I am typically an "event" type of person--not task. I just need to keep my head above the waters and breathe. I wish all the classes and academic time was spent more on the team getting to know eachother too. That's the thing I'm really worried about. I want to trust the team. But I'm hesitant about some people. I just need to remind myself that not everyone operates in my culture.
Well, here's a picture of some of the team. We went out to eat at Perkins. Good times. Btw this is not a good pic of me.
There are about 20 students going on the trip. I think we're a pretty good mix. There are 7 men, and imo i think that's pretty good considering there's less sometimes. Lol, in the picture above I look like a hot mess. Oh well.
Well that's all I want to post for now. Tata and good day,
-Daniela
Well, here's a picture of some of the team. We went out to eat at Perkins. Good times. Btw this is not a good pic of me.
There are about 20 students going on the trip. I think we're a pretty good mix. There are 7 men, and imo i think that's pretty good considering there's less sometimes. Lol, in the picture above I look like a hot mess. Oh well.
Well that's all I want to post for now. Tata and good day,
-Daniela
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Call
Hello world.
Well, training has officially begun. This means that school is definitely in full affect now.
I just first want to declare how wonderful the Lord has been. He is so gracious to me and merciful. I cannot emphasize the injustice I have done, and yet he is able to grant me grace and mercy. He is such a wonderful Lord. Truly.
Well, the "first" week has only ended (and it only has three school days in it!), and I feel as if I am already in pretty deep into the learning/training already. I have been spending more time with the Lord then I think I did in the summer combined (sounds REALLY bad and typical of *STMers, I know. Forgive me Lord), and all this extra time with God has really been helping me clear my head--even if it's like a simple reading of the Bible or just journaling. Yeah.
So why am I in so deep already? Well I shall tell you. First, I just want to say wow. Like seriously, wow. When you ask God to show you what is going on, where all this pain is coming from, this confusion... I don't know whatever it is, when you ask God to show you your sin, He does....... And training for this internship has shown me what my deepest sin has been, well one of them I guess. And this has affected me SO much without me realizing it.
I have grieved the Spirit because of my need to find approval in man. And it's not just the typical American, "please accept me cuz I'm cool." It's like a deep, seeped, and like very engrained type of approval that is traditional of the Hmong culture, specifically from Hmong elders or parents. The approval of Hmong parents/community/elders makes or breaks people. Their identity is actually set in it (a majority of them anyway, maybe not many 2nd gen kids tho I'm not sure...), and this approval is like who they are, it is their status.
So. I have somehow allowed the approval of my parents (and somewhat of my extended family and maybe the Hmong community) influenced my relationship with Christ. The approval of parents makes and breaks you because if they approve of you, this is a blessing from them--your life will essentially be prosperous and will bear much fruit (in their eyes, not Biblically)--you will have life and will be abundant, and will receive recognition of having been raised well (and this means that your last name is a good last name, your parents are good parents, your extended family is a good extended family, your everything associated with you is good).
On the contrary, the disapproval of my parents is like a death sentence. It is a curse. You will have a hopeless, unfruitful, cursed, meaningless and lifeless life. The blessings of your parents is supposed to be the water that every seed needs. However, the curse they give to you in the disapproval is a hot searing piece of medal that is visibily branded into your skin to show you and the entire world that you are a cursed and unblessed being. Anything and everything associate with you is considered as cursed and worthless and bad. Filthy. Not your family tho, because you have been disapproved and are therefore disowned by them. They dont even claim you anymore, and this literally means (in their eyes) that you are not, and were never a part of them. They will erase you from the memory (and trust me, asian people, if not Hmong people, are REALLY good at pretending you never existed. Essentially, disapproval is social suicide...
I know my description for the disapproval part is more descriptive and obviously negative. But that's how scared I am of disapproval guys. Man. The disapproval from my parents have been so engrained in me, that I have allowed others who disapprove of some of my most genuine emotions and genuine views affect my life, my identity, and all that I do.
Let me give you some context. In my freshmen and sophomore years at NWC, some things that people said about racial reconciliation, bigotry, and comments, and overall views towards the subject of racism showed me how others disapproved how I felt so much that I grew into a very deep depression. I think I felt like my very brothers and sisters, the people of God that I thought I would never get disapproved from, or cut off from to better word it, did the very thing that I thought God's people would never do.
I was very very hurt. When I think about it now, the pain I feel goes very deep. It's very real, and it doesnt help that I hid this pain for so long and never really dealt with it on a complete level.
But yes, after showing people my genuine, true, and real feelings/emotions/views--I was so surprised at how much I got hurt that whenever I show those things of myself to someone, I automatically am brought to those feelings of disapproval. And when that happens, I become extremely anxious, worried, emotional and am sometimes on the verge of crying (without understanding why).
This type of reaction, I believe, began to make me feel complacent. Yes. I stopped speaking and began to fear my own voice. I lost focus of who I was. I know I did not want the disapproval from man, but it didn't matter if I got the approval--as long as I didnt get the disapproval I was okay. I began to lose myself and started becoming confused about why I followed this man/God named Jesus.
And... to make a long story a little longer but not as long as you would probably want... I think for a while now I have been searching for life and truth in different places. Meaning. I would go back every once in awhile and read the Bible, go to church. But I was so lost. So gone and out of it. Losing the presence of God made me less sensitive to obviously hear the Holy Spirit, especially when I was filling myself with other things--such as time spent on material things, and thoughts that dwelled on unholy things. And since then I have been out of it...
Until finally, now. I've been trying to be patient for so long, figuring out why this is. Why I can remember my testimony and be so thankful for what God has done for me, yet why I was I this way??? It was because I had forgotten to deny myself (and my views of what being approved is like and by whom I should be approved by), carry my cross, and follow my loving Savior, jesus Christ.
Just thinking about all of this is devestatingly shameful. I feel so ashamed. So hopeless because when I sought for the approval or blessing of men, I cursed my life to hell. I separated myself from my God and wondered why there was a veil there. I wondered why I couldn't see him clearly!!!! And this is why!!!! I did not put him first. And I dont know why I did this, why I allowed it to happen. I was so in love with Him... and somehow, I allowed the flesh and Satan to come and take the reigns. And trust me folks, it didn't happen overnight. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable to the point where Satan attacked me and capatalized on things that could have been healed/used for the good/advancement of the Kingdom of God.
And now, here I am. Maybe there is more to this, but I dont think there is. I think this is it. It always come down to this. Am I really willing to let my parents go? My mother, my father? My house? Myself? The approval of man? Am I willing to partake in the curse that Christ did--death (not that I'm like replacing what Christ did but you know what I mean)? Man. I have no idea. I have no idea what to say or think or feel. I am so afraid, honestly. I never realized that Christianity could be so much of a thunderstorm inside of me. I always thought the persecution would just HAPPEN or something... that they would come after me.... I never thought that I could somehow choose my option and be branded with "She chooses death" but God says that if I choose to lose my life I will gain it right???
God, I never thought that I would be facing this again. I thought I chose you a long time ago. But I can see now that somehow, I have chosen other things and only claim you with my words. I am so sorry Lord, to grieve you like this. Please forgive me.... But Lord I just ask that you help me Lord, to choose wisely. To not just BLINDLY choose you, but to COUNT THE COST Lord... I thought I counted the cost, but apparently I did not (or just forgot what the cost was along the way). Lord, please show me again. Give me your truth again and help me from there....
So. I have no idea. Am I really willing to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him??? I need to go read Acts... and the beatitudes... all I know is that the journey and life with Christ is physically lonely, but very bitter sweet spiritually. All I know is blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness because the kingdom of heaven is theirs... to be glad and rejoice, because the reward is great in the kingdom of heaven....
Well, training has officially begun. This means that school is definitely in full affect now.
I just first want to declare how wonderful the Lord has been. He is so gracious to me and merciful. I cannot emphasize the injustice I have done, and yet he is able to grant me grace and mercy. He is such a wonderful Lord. Truly.
Well, the "first" week has only ended (and it only has three school days in it!), and I feel as if I am already in pretty deep into the learning/training already. I have been spending more time with the Lord then I think I did in the summer combined (sounds REALLY bad and typical of *STMers, I know. Forgive me Lord), and all this extra time with God has really been helping me clear my head--even if it's like a simple reading of the Bible or just journaling. Yeah.
So why am I in so deep already? Well I shall tell you. First, I just want to say wow. Like seriously, wow. When you ask God to show you what is going on, where all this pain is coming from, this confusion... I don't know whatever it is, when you ask God to show you your sin, He does....... And training for this internship has shown me what my deepest sin has been, well one of them I guess. And this has affected me SO much without me realizing it.
I have grieved the Spirit because of my need to find approval in man. And it's not just the typical American, "please accept me cuz I'm cool." It's like a deep, seeped, and like very engrained type of approval that is traditional of the Hmong culture, specifically from Hmong elders or parents. The approval of Hmong parents/community/elders makes or breaks people. Their identity is actually set in it (a majority of them anyway, maybe not many 2nd gen kids tho I'm not sure...), and this approval is like who they are, it is their status.
So. I have somehow allowed the approval of my parents (and somewhat of my extended family and maybe the Hmong community) influenced my relationship with Christ. The approval of parents makes and breaks you because if they approve of you, this is a blessing from them--your life will essentially be prosperous and will bear much fruit (in their eyes, not Biblically)--you will have life and will be abundant, and will receive recognition of having been raised well (and this means that your last name is a good last name, your parents are good parents, your extended family is a good extended family, your everything associated with you is good).
On the contrary, the disapproval of my parents is like a death sentence. It is a curse. You will have a hopeless, unfruitful, cursed, meaningless and lifeless life. The blessings of your parents is supposed to be the water that every seed needs. However, the curse they give to you in the disapproval is a hot searing piece of medal that is visibily branded into your skin to show you and the entire world that you are a cursed and unblessed being. Anything and everything associate with you is considered as cursed and worthless and bad. Filthy. Not your family tho, because you have been disapproved and are therefore disowned by them. They dont even claim you anymore, and this literally means (in their eyes) that you are not, and were never a part of them. They will erase you from the memory (and trust me, asian people, if not Hmong people, are REALLY good at pretending you never existed. Essentially, disapproval is social suicide...
I know my description for the disapproval part is more descriptive and obviously negative. But that's how scared I am of disapproval guys. Man. The disapproval from my parents have been so engrained in me, that I have allowed others who disapprove of some of my most genuine emotions and genuine views affect my life, my identity, and all that I do.
Let me give you some context. In my freshmen and sophomore years at NWC, some things that people said about racial reconciliation, bigotry, and comments, and overall views towards the subject of racism showed me how others disapproved how I felt so much that I grew into a very deep depression. I think I felt like my very brothers and sisters, the people of God that I thought I would never get disapproved from, or cut off from to better word it, did the very thing that I thought God's people would never do.
I was very very hurt. When I think about it now, the pain I feel goes very deep. It's very real, and it doesnt help that I hid this pain for so long and never really dealt with it on a complete level.
But yes, after showing people my genuine, true, and real feelings/emotions/views--I was so surprised at how much I got hurt that whenever I show those things of myself to someone, I automatically am brought to those feelings of disapproval. And when that happens, I become extremely anxious, worried, emotional and am sometimes on the verge of crying (without understanding why).
This type of reaction, I believe, began to make me feel complacent. Yes. I stopped speaking and began to fear my own voice. I lost focus of who I was. I know I did not want the disapproval from man, but it didn't matter if I got the approval--as long as I didnt get the disapproval I was okay. I began to lose myself and started becoming confused about why I followed this man/God named Jesus.
And... to make a long story a little longer but not as long as you would probably want... I think for a while now I have been searching for life and truth in different places. Meaning. I would go back every once in awhile and read the Bible, go to church. But I was so lost. So gone and out of it. Losing the presence of God made me less sensitive to obviously hear the Holy Spirit, especially when I was filling myself with other things--such as time spent on material things, and thoughts that dwelled on unholy things. And since then I have been out of it...
Until finally, now. I've been trying to be patient for so long, figuring out why this is. Why I can remember my testimony and be so thankful for what God has done for me, yet why I was I this way??? It was because I had forgotten to deny myself (and my views of what being approved is like and by whom I should be approved by), carry my cross, and follow my loving Savior, jesus Christ.
Just thinking about all of this is devestatingly shameful. I feel so ashamed. So hopeless because when I sought for the approval or blessing of men, I cursed my life to hell. I separated myself from my God and wondered why there was a veil there. I wondered why I couldn't see him clearly!!!! And this is why!!!! I did not put him first. And I dont know why I did this, why I allowed it to happen. I was so in love with Him... and somehow, I allowed the flesh and Satan to come and take the reigns. And trust me folks, it didn't happen overnight. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable to the point where Satan attacked me and capatalized on things that could have been healed/used for the good/advancement of the Kingdom of God.
And now, here I am. Maybe there is more to this, but I dont think there is. I think this is it. It always come down to this. Am I really willing to let my parents go? My mother, my father? My house? Myself? The approval of man? Am I willing to partake in the curse that Christ did--death (not that I'm like replacing what Christ did but you know what I mean)? Man. I have no idea. I have no idea what to say or think or feel. I am so afraid, honestly. I never realized that Christianity could be so much of a thunderstorm inside of me. I always thought the persecution would just HAPPEN or something... that they would come after me.... I never thought that I could somehow choose my option and be branded with "She chooses death" but God says that if I choose to lose my life I will gain it right???
God, I never thought that I would be facing this again. I thought I chose you a long time ago. But I can see now that somehow, I have chosen other things and only claim you with my words. I am so sorry Lord, to grieve you like this. Please forgive me.... But Lord I just ask that you help me Lord, to choose wisely. To not just BLINDLY choose you, but to COUNT THE COST Lord... I thought I counted the cost, but apparently I did not (or just forgot what the cost was along the way). Lord, please show me again. Give me your truth again and help me from there....
So. I have no idea. Am I really willing to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him??? I need to go read Acts... and the beatitudes... all I know is that the journey and life with Christ is physically lonely, but very bitter sweet spiritually. All I know is blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness because the kingdom of heaven is theirs... to be glad and rejoice, because the reward is great in the kingdom of heaven....
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Asia
Well this is my first attempt and blog that will be about my internship in Azia --> specifically China, Thailand, Singapore and another special place in Southeast Asia that will remain undisclosed due to certain factors (and those factors shall also remain undisclosed--oh the suspense!).
Anyhoo, it is only the 13th of August. Obviously I am not in Azia yet but am still in the middle of the states, being my lazy American self. Sigh. Although it's about two months before I leave, I am a nervous wreck--trying to think about all that needs to still be done for the internship and how unprepared/untrained I am.
Examples: I have yet to read about the places that I am going to, and I have yet to even study the languages!!! GAH. Not to mention the biggest elephant in my mind is--am I spiritually ready to go? Honestly, I feel that I am not. I don't know why. Well, I know why but... I can see now that I may just be a stereotypical short-termer that goes overseas and just gets prepared spiritually but then kerpluncks as soon as she arrives back at home.
Am I not an alien to even the U.S.? Last I read... I am not of this world. I suppose I havent been reading that part of the scriptures for the past year or so.
Apathy. This generation is drowning in it and my, how it is pulling me in.
OKAY SO ENOUGH ABOUT ME, and more about the internship. May I give you all a fair warning that this blog will DEFINITELY include much of my emotions. Lol. I can try to tell you about the things I will be/am doing, but alla that will somehow interweave with my feelings, emotions, reflection, (and LOTS of randomness) etc.
[My brother has cramps right now and it's scaring me because I feel like he may be pms-ing... never have I seen anyone in such pain other than the times when my cramps attack me with vengeance like none other, and I feel as if I am going to faint as knives are tearing the muscles around my stomach apart. Essentially, I feel like I am giving birth. I think that's what my brother is going through.]
Anyway. About the internship. I am so excited and yet (like mentioned before) very nervous. Within the next two weeks, I just wanna follow up and possibly send out more letters to everyone about helping me out. School's gonna also be starting by then. Crazy! :) Sigh. It'll all work out and be okay I hope.
I think the place I am most excited to be is Bangkok. Wow. Thailand. Ever since I was about 11 years old I have always wanted to go to the country my parents found refuge in (althoug refugee camps aint the best places to really be free). Too bad I probably wont be able to go to Chiangmai. But oh well.
Anyhoo, I'm just excited to be there because we'll actually stay for a month and really be engulfed in the culture (as much as is possible in one month, lol). Not only that, but I really hope to get to know my students as well. And honestly, I hate admitting this, but you know what? It is inevitable. But I cant wait to get a good slap in my face of how simple and glorious the Gospel is...I cant wait for a revival in my soul when I tell people about how good God was to me when He chose me.
Ah. I have a lot to think about. Yeah. Well, I hope that's enough for now in this first blog. I'm gonna go and give Jenni a call back and assist my brother in his contractions.
Anyhoo, it is only the 13th of August. Obviously I am not in Azia yet but am still in the middle of the states, being my lazy American self. Sigh. Although it's about two months before I leave, I am a nervous wreck--trying to think about all that needs to still be done for the internship and how unprepared/untrained I am.
Examples: I have yet to read about the places that I am going to, and I have yet to even study the languages!!! GAH. Not to mention the biggest elephant in my mind is--am I spiritually ready to go? Honestly, I feel that I am not. I don't know why. Well, I know why but... I can see now that I may just be a stereotypical short-termer that goes overseas and just gets prepared spiritually but then kerpluncks as soon as she arrives back at home.
Am I not an alien to even the U.S.? Last I read... I am not of this world. I suppose I havent been reading that part of the scriptures for the past year or so.
Apathy. This generation is drowning in it and my, how it is pulling me in.
OKAY SO ENOUGH ABOUT ME, and more about the internship. May I give you all a fair warning that this blog will DEFINITELY include much of my emotions. Lol. I can try to tell you about the things I will be/am doing, but alla that will somehow interweave with my feelings, emotions, reflection, (and LOTS of randomness) etc.
[My brother has cramps right now and it's scaring me because I feel like he may be pms-ing... never have I seen anyone in such pain other than the times when my cramps attack me with vengeance like none other, and I feel as if I am going to faint as knives are tearing the muscles around my stomach apart. Essentially, I feel like I am giving birth. I think that's what my brother is going through.]
Anyway. About the internship. I am so excited and yet (like mentioned before) very nervous. Within the next two weeks, I just wanna follow up and possibly send out more letters to everyone about helping me out. School's gonna also be starting by then. Crazy! :) Sigh. It'll all work out and be okay I hope.
I think the place I am most excited to be is Bangkok. Wow. Thailand. Ever since I was about 11 years old I have always wanted to go to the country my parents found refuge in (althoug refugee camps aint the best places to really be free). Too bad I probably wont be able to go to Chiangmai. But oh well.
Anyhoo, I'm just excited to be there because we'll actually stay for a month and really be engulfed in the culture (as much as is possible in one month, lol). Not only that, but I really hope to get to know my students as well. And honestly, I hate admitting this, but you know what? It is inevitable. But I cant wait to get a good slap in my face of how simple and glorious the Gospel is...I cant wait for a revival in my soul when I tell people about how good God was to me when He chose me.
Ah. I have a lot to think about. Yeah. Well, I hope that's enough for now in this first blog. I'm gonna go and give Jenni a call back and assist my brother in his contractions.
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