Just want to start over...

I've been humiliated in many ways. I've had my pride broken down... and I am so happy that in spite of all this, I just want to be a good person. I know saying "good" is so vague, so let me describe it. Good, as in a forgiving person. A person that is able to live above her circumstances, but being real with them at the same time. Someone that can truly be herself and love those around her. Someone that does not have to live in fear, but someone that can live in freedom. Yeah, those are some of the things that I want.

I don't want to live enslaved and burdened by my past mistakes. But hopefully I can live acknowledging my weaknesses and function healthily in spite of them. :)

I just thank you God for loving me in spite of the things I do, good or bad. Thank you for teaching me and humbling me. And to those that have hurt me, I love you and I forgive you. I am sorry if I hurt you too. Pride is such a big fear that I trusted and hid behind. I'm sorry.

In memory of...

I'm losing some very special people in my life. I didn't think things would end this way. But like I said before, pride has no room for reconciliation.

One sunset on anger, a sunrise of hurt.
Minutes of confusion, hours of doubt.
Days of questions, weeks of silence.
Months of sorrow, years without you.
I visit what I had with these special people.
They are no longer with me.
Here's to you my loves.
In memory of you.

In need of some soul mending...

I feel like many people around me are going through something right now, myself included. Whether you just went through a break up, are have questions of doubt, lost yourself somewhere in the mix, suffering/stressed from anything... here is my remedy:

1. Try something new (volunteer, visit the elderly, join a gym or dance class, take a new language class, sewing class, read a book that challenges you, anything!). Not having any money and/or time is only an excuse because there are hundreds of options available. Trying something new will help you approach life hands on--which means you won't be stuck in your room consumed with unhelpful thoughts. It also helps you understand and process the fact that in spite of your circumstances, you have the ability to still live an enriching life.

2. Make a mission or adventure/journey-type-of-deal to incorporate one healthy meal to your day. Take it on as a challenge--not as a "duty." You'll have lots of fun trying new things. Vegetables and fruits are your friends! Oily and empty-caloried foods are not your friends, and they have short-term effects: they taste good and make you feel great for the minutes that they're in your mouth, but unfortunately they add space to your hips and thighs as soon as you swallow it. Not only that, but they do not contribute to the health of your brain and body. If you are going through a rough patch, consider treating your body better with what you eat and you will notice a big change in your thought life and physical life (trust me). You are what you eat. Not used to eating healthy? Remember, take it on as a challenge and as something fun. Try it once or twice a week and increase it from there.

3. Have a cupcake or cookie, but do not binge on it. Instead, binge on journaling. Journaling is a safe place that helps you interpret what you're feeling into words. Pretend you're sick and your doctor diagnoses you. If you don't have a doctor to diagnose you, you will probably be sick for a long time because you don't know how to cure yourself. In essence, journaling is the same. When you write down what you have/feel, you understand/diagnose where you are. From there you have the power/knowledge of doing something about how you feel. Not only that, but journaling also allows you to simply cast out whatever you feel onto paper. Not used to journaling? Try doing it for at least five minutes every other day, and build up from there.

4. Pray. God listens, and he is near the broken hearted. Genuinely ask him for help. If you are in need of faith, or even in need of learning how to pray, ask him. Understand that he is your provider, and he gives all things that you need in the right timing. Do not be afraid to communicate with your creator. He knows you. Also understand that he has everything under control. If you are frustrated, let him know that you are frustrated. However, thank him for being in control and for planning things perfectly.

5. Consider where your source of pain/hurt/stress is coming from. Take some serious time to understand yourself and your situation (not just ten minutes). Why are you stressed? Or why are you hurt? From there, create an active plan to learn and grow and transition from this current situation. Maybe you need to meet up with a friend once a week or once a month to talk through your situation. Maybe you need a better sleeping schedule--so set one up. Etc.

6. Love yourself and encourage yourself. We all love in different ways. What are some nice things that you do for others? Try those on yourself. You deserve it.

Why did you sing with me at all?

Love, where is your fire?

Hurt and brokenness has the ability to quickly spark fire and spread like wild fire. It is fast, contagious, lethal, and deadly. Once a vulnerable person is the victim of an angry or hurtful act, that very person may likely be compromised and begin to spread the fire of hurt and brokenness. Often, we as humans are creatures of habit and meet anger with anger, and hurt with hurt.

On the real, my family has been going through a lot lately. Everyone is a bit more edgy than normal. Everyone is more vulnerable to offense; quick to take things personally. I think in the past two months I have cried to my sister more than I ever have in the past 22.6 years. One person in the family will be the victim of pain and hurt, and then it is subjected upon another family member. And then you can just see where that wild fire goes. In the end, things are not functioning in a healthy way. If left unattended, the fire could have the potential to destroy everything. Nothing but ashes left.

I feel like each individual in my family is experiencing their own journey of hurt and pain right now, or struggling with particular sins. They may feel weak, vulnerable, etc. Aggression and hurt is taken out on those we love the most. And it tears us apart. Yesterday, someone in my family was yelling at me, and I immediately asked, "Why are you so angry?"

Later I rebuked what happened. I told myself to not allow the anger get to me. That I will not spread the fire of anger, sin, hurt. I will not meet anger with anger. Looking now at it, I realize I need to meet that anger with love and forgiveness. Relationships are an everyday thing, and sometimes we get wounded from them. Wounding may happen on a daily/weekly basis. Therefore forgiveness/love needs to happen on a daily/weekly basis.

I also need to pray for those that hurt me. Prayer helps because it humbles us, and really draws us near God, pleading and interceding. Asking for His will to be done. For families to function as close to its organic function from the beginning. To help us all forgive those that have victimized us. For strength to not hurt those that are vulnerable. To be reminded that we can do nothing without him...

So as I walk through this life, with other impostors passing by, imposing or offering their disfunctional fires... fires of anger, death, sin, brokenness... I will try my best to rebuke those fake fires... and wait for love's fire. It is the strongest and most pure. It is true and only spreads love. It shakes and burns away all that is opposite of it... and reveals what is true and pure within.

I will not meet anger/sin/brokenness with anger/sin/brokenness. I will meet anger, sin, and brokenness with love. With love's fire. God help me. Only done with you.

Love, where is your fire?
I've been sitting here, smoking away
Making signals with sticks,
and odd ends and bits
Still there's no sign of a flame
Imposters have been passing
Offering a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out for what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone
Some urge me to be temperate
Lukewarm will never do
-BF

is war the answer

is war the answer
they attack you
you attack them
let the world witness
you will not be shamed
you are proud of your name
drive the damage deeper
rape and pillage
mind women children
mend hurt with hurt
crush his face and skull
plant it in dirt
it wasn't you
they started it first
you will not quench this rage
they sparked this cancer
you will succumb to them
war is your answer

Hlub Koj Tiag by 4L

Nyob Tsis Tau by 4L is definitely my favorite, if not one of my favorite, Hmong albums. 4L is a quadroople Hmong female group. They are all related and share Lor as their maiden names (they're all married now). Their lyrics are so touching and hits that Hmong side of me that an English song just can't do. :)

Here is one of my favorite favorite songs from them. I like it for it's positivity, and for it's uplifting lyrics. Honestly, it reminds me of something God would say. Take a listen and follow along!

Click here for the song: http://www.ehmongmusic.com/displayimage.php?pos=-8029

Hlub Koj Tiag(Truly/Really Love You)

Thaum koj lub neej tsau ntuj nti (When your life/world is dark)
Es koj xav tias tsis muaj leeg twg yuav hlub koj (And you don't think there is anyone that loves you)
Yog koj muaj txoj kev ntxhov siab (If you are low/stressed/sad)
Es tsis muaj leeg twg ua koj lub siab sov (And there is no one there to warm your heart)

Koj yeej paub hauv koj lub siab (You already know in your heart)
Kuv mam yog tus lo so koj cov kua muag (I would be the one to wipe your tears)
Koj yeej paub hauv koj lub neej (You already know in your life)
Kuv yog tus yuav hlub koj (I would be the one that would love you)

Kuv twb hlub koj ua ntej (I loved you first)
Nws puas tau pom koj nyob ntawm kuv ib sab? (Have they seen you by my side/with me?)
Cia kuv hauv koj lub neej (Let me into your life)
Kuv mam yog tus yuav nyob ntawm koj ib sab (I will be the one that will be by your side)
Tsis ntxhov siab, ua siab loj (Don't be sad, have a big heart/tough it up)
Nws puas tau pom koj nyob ntawm kuv ib sab? (Have they seen you by my side?)

Thaum koj tsis xav ua neeg nyob (When you dont want to live this life anymore)
Tig qhov twg los tsis muaj leeg twg nyob ib sab (Turn side to side and don't see anyone there)
Thaum koj xav vim koj poob siab (When you think because you're sad)
Rau txhua yam ua txhaum hauv koj lub neej (of all the faults you've done in your life)

Koj yeej paub hauv koj lub siab (You already know in your heart)
Kuv mam yog tus lo so koj cov kua muag (I would be the one to wipe your tears)
Koj yeej paub hauv koj lub neej (You already know in your life)
Kuv yog tus yuav hlub koj (I would be the one that would love you)

Kuv twb hlub koj ua ntej (I loved you first)
Nws puas tau pom koj nyob ntawm kuv ib sab? (Have they seen you by my side/with me?)
Cia kuv hauv koj lub neej (Let me into your life)
Kuv mam yog tus yuav nyob ntawm koj ib sab (I will be the one that will be by your side)
Tsis ntxhov siab, ua siab loj (Don't be sad, have a big heart/tough it up)
Nws puas tau pom koj nyob ntawm kuv ib sab? (Have they seen you by my side?)

Repeat.