Yes, I'm Changing

I am now happily married with my life partner and the love of my life.

I've done so much in the past year. Had many tears of joy, thanks, frustration, anger, and sadness. Smiled and laughed a lot with my new man. Travelled. Tested my character. Felt free in a long time.

I am still me, Danielle. But I am changing and evolving into my truer self.

My time at Woodland Hills

http://whchurch.org/sermons-media/sermon/keeping-christmas
Watch one of the sermons from Woodland Hills here.

I've been so dry for the past, say 5 years. I could list a variety of reasons and excuses, but the point is that I am/was dry. As a result, or maybe perhaps as a correlation, I've also been extremely cynical, self-righteous, and simply empty. I've been living out of fear and insecurities.

Thankfully, I didn't crash and burn. And also due to the wonderful and inspirational people in my life, I managed by--still with life and hope. I mean, it's not so black and white where everything failed and when ka-put (or however you spell it). However, I knew and know that there has to be a proactive approach to this. I knew I had to start running with a full tank, not with a half-tank or less than half. Doing things half-way takes its toll and has made me feel what I described above.

I suppose while you're a full time college student, you have a lot of time to manage and schedule "me-time." You articulate precious time to be all about yourself, time for homework, with friends/family. But once you're in the real world, all you want to do is come home and hit the sack. A 9-5 job really does its toll. This has really been a part of my reality in the past five years.

Up until a few months ago, I realized I really needed to make a change for myself. I had been thinking about it for years. This change was finding a solid place to get fed. To invest in. To feel supported. To pour into and to receive. This was a group and community that doesn't have it together, but we can walk through it together. This was a place that I felt had similar values to share, or at least the similar intentions in validating and listening to one another.

After years, I finally took the step toward finding this place, and surprisingly it was not that far away: Woodland Hills. I had always heard about it, including it's "controversial" pastor, Greg Boyd. I was a drop out that went to Northwestern College (now University of Northwestern--Saint Paul)--where he and his teachings are basically banned. Funny how things work...

To make things brief and simple, I have never, ever felt more alive in a long time. The first time I stepped into the church, I had tears streaming down my face. It was difficult to hold back my Pentecostal ways of outward displays of worship. And we weren't even "worshipping." I was just listening to people speak. They were ending a heart and mind series, and the service included a round-table discussion with Pastor Greg Boyd and a couple of other professionals. For the first time in forever, I heard my views get validated--racial reconciliation, gay marriage/the GLBT community, women's issues, and so much more. It was such a breath of fresh air! The Pastor was addressing issues in such a humble, yet Bible-based, and intellectually sound way. These three words never end up together when it comes to church.

I thought I had it really good with just this service. However, the church continued to also focus on one's personal relationship with God through their "Before Christ" series. This brought it home, reminding of my heart's true joy in Christ by focusing on his mission and reason to coming to earth. It was such a beautiful series that helps everyone focus on our loving Savior. How he looks at us with no judgement but love. How we are made new in Him.

When I thought it was already wonderful, they came with a series on women. Mind blown. I have never, ever been/seen a church or para-church that focused on women. This was breaking news to me. And it's sad because not many organizations and churches make an effort to focus on women. I heard a woman lead service for the first time. (I've seen women lead seminars and be guest speakers at conferences--but a church service has never been done for me.) This is powerful in so many ways because it truly affirms God's craftsmanship in making humankind in his likeness. Not only do men have authority to preach God's word, but so do women--we are all made in his likeness and contribute to his kingdom. We as women have a role and voice, and make direct impact on the Kingdom. Goodness, this series was so amazing. I truly loved it. (Thanks WH!)

Right now, the church has begun a new series called "Mixed Signals." It is addressing pluralism in our world. What voice do we listen to? I just heard the first sermon today, and already I can tell that this is not going to just be an easy church to go to. I believe everyone in the room was humbled when Pastor Greg gently instructed all of us to not be religious buttheads. I thought (by default) that he will tell us how to be good at apologetics and teach us to defend our faith or something. No. He taught us: listen. He taught us: Stay focused on the cross. It's as simple as that. I was truly humbled and will not deny that I haven't been a butthead. I have a lot of logs in my eyes and have pointed out the fleck in others'. Instead of coming to this church to just simply get filled, I have been able to re-evaluate myself and get my character readjusted before I even begin to fill a broken cup. I've truly been humbled, and because of how the Holy Spirit has been working through this church, I have been coming to Christ humbly, asking for him to help me and start again.

I don't care what church you go to. Or how controversial things can get. All I know is that I feel like I have finally come home to a church that makes a case to point people to Christ and the cross every Sunday. And I'm for real people, they talk about Christ every Sunday. They talk about his love. They talk about everyone  needing Christ (the prostitute, the millionaire, the city, the suburbs, the Hispanic, the Arabic, the patriot, the anti-American, everyone). They tie in current issues. They challenge you. They make things practical. They validate all sorts of people. It's not a perfect church by any means. But goodness, I feel like I can finally breathe and keep my gas tank full.

I came to this church thinking I needed to be filled. Instead, I realized I needed to understand that I needed to be humble and let God do everything. He needs to readjust my attitude and my character. It's not just a simple drive and park at the gas station. I have been reevaluating my mind, my engine. Adjusting my heart here and there. And I feel that I have been better able to receive and process the fuel that is going in. Thank you Woodland Hills and Pastor Greg. Thank you for not just feeding me milk, but challenging me. Thank you for validating me. Thank you for making space for me. Thank you for giving me a home. Thank you for pointing me to my best friend.

I don't know what it is about fall but...

Fall brings out so much inspiration to me. I don't know why, but it gets my creative and motivational juices flowing. Maybe it's the change in season and the cooler air that makes me get up to keep myself warm or something. Or maybe the darker colors but still a touch of jewel tones that I love--yeah. that's got to be it.

Anyway, here's a video I love. Check it out! I love the makeup, the vibe, and the goth-i-ness of it all.



Young & Beautiful - TNP Workshop from psycleFILMS on Vimeo.

Being in a relationship...

Let's just say that being in a relationship is not by any means perfect, but it is definitely rewarding when you put work, communication, and compromise into it.

I feel so blessed to be with the man that I am with… it's crazy because I think he has been the one my heart has been searching for… and he is finally here in my life. :) I'm a happy girl.

Push push push! (You better work, b**ch!)

My inspirational song that basically describes what I have to do in order to get where I want: I have to work. I will not sit on my a** and be unhealthy! In Britney's words: You want a hot body? ...You better work bitch! ...Now get to work bitch! (Sorry for the language! You get the point lol.)


I love this song! It pumps me up so much to rise above as a healthy woman and conquer everything and everyone that brought me down--including myself! I am going to get through this! In Katy's words: You held me down, but I got up. Get ready cause I've had enough. I see it all, I see it now: I got the eye of a tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar.

Anyway!

Man, I'm almost done with week 2 of Insanity! Wow--I never thought I would get this far. I almost quit yesterday but didn't (thinking about not doing my cardio recovery workout because of time constraints)! Why? Because I worked too hard to stop now!

Anyway, I did day 12 today: cardio power and resistance. I could barely do the around the world touch downs (or whatever they're called) during the second set of three circuits. However, I will say that I did at least push myself during the floor sprints--which I am super proud about! Yay.

Man.... I just need to accept the fact that Insanity will always break me before I get through the entire video. If any of you want to try it, be ready to be pushed past your comfort! You will be broken. Hence, I know I can't quit now because of how hard I've worked so far.

Not only that, but man... I am definitely getting stronger! I may not outlast and keep up with the DVD's pace... but I am doing so much better than last week. Oddly enough, even though the burn gets so crazy sometimes, I have actually looked forward to working out in the past few days! Pretty awesome, huh? :) I think this is huge progress for me!

Not going to lie though: around day 8 or so, I was so ready to quit! But I learned something: I cannot do this alone. So, I began to watch inspirational videos.

These two videos helped me soooo much! I don't know how they went above and beyond they physical capabilities and now have the amazing bodies that they do! It's pretty amazing and just absolutely fascinating. Take a look:


I absolutely how sincere and genuine she was. She wasn't ashamed. Loved this video. It really cheered me up last week.


Talk about seriously doing the impossible. If this man can do it, I definitely know that I can! So inspired by him. God is awesome!

Both these videos helped me realize that this is not going to be an easy journey... I realized that I will not only be sweating but will also be having tears because working for something involves me confronting the obstacles that are stopping me from getting to where I want--and the biggest obstacle is me! Working hard and working out everyday makes me confront myself, makes me see my own weaknesses, and makes me rise up to the challenge to see if I will defeat myself/my own fears. Essentially, I am so glad I watched these videos. They really helped me realize and see that I will sweat, cry, and also heal from years of unhealthiness to get where I want... :) In Arthur's words: Just because I can't do it today, doesn't mean I can't do it some day.

Thanks for reading and stay strong Dani!!! And all of you too, lol. I'm basically cheering myself on haha. I am getting in better shape and all I have to remember now is to keep push push pushing!!!


P.S. It's weird, because whenever I lose weight (or anyone else), I can tell. And you want to know my secret? It's in my toes LOL! Weirdly enough, I see my toes everyday and know their shape and feel. A sign that I am losing weight/reshaping my body is not the scale! But it's the fact that my toes look thinner now! The skin between my big toe and middle toe is further apart and the gap is a teensy bit longer! Hehehe.... and my big toe isn't as pudgy anymore lol.

Best thing to mention: People have noticed that I look thinner!!! This includes my amazing fiance. Crazy huh?! And it was only yesterday! Day 12! LOL. I feel like I'm cheating or something since it's only been 12 days since I've been doing Insanity. But the awesome part about that is I am not cheating! I worked hard as heck these past 12 days! I've earned it. Hehehehehehhehehe!!!! *feeling extremely giddy*

I'm just going to keep pushing myself. :D

Insanity

If you look closely, my shirt is pretty drenched.

Evidence of more hard work from Insanity.

So this Wednesday I decided to start a workout regimen called Insanity. We've all heard of how intense it is, and let's just say... that it truly lives up to its name. Hearing the word insanity doesn't sound like much to people sometimes. But when you're in the midst of the workout and intensely pushing your body's limits, one can't help but think that all this crazy exercise is truly unreasonable, inconceivable, impossible, and basically: insane.

However, the truth is that it is possible! It's all a mind game, really.

Now, don't get me wrong. Have I been able to thoroughly complete all the different exercises on each DVD and keep up with Shaun T. and his buddies? I humbly and boldly say: no. Nonetheless, have I been sweating like mad and been moving my body consistently? I proudly say, yes.

The biggest question is: have I noticed any changes in my body? Even though it has only been five workouts that I've done, the answer is yes!!! I can already see the definition of my quads come along, my thighs are already shrinking, my posture is better, I feel more energy, and my waist is a little more defined.

Before I continue though, let me give a disclaimer: this workout DVD is not for the faint of heart. It's also definitely not for the athletes that only like to bulk up, not for athletes that don't like to do intense drills, and not for folks that don't like to workout several muscle groups at the one time. Not to mention, if one over-exerts themselves too much, he/she can easily burn out or get injured. I'm sure if I pushed my body even further than I did this week, I could have easily done either. Therefore, because Insanity isn't just for anybody, I knew that starting this workout DVD can easily lead me to chucking it out of my sight and into a corner to build up dust.

So it was very important for me to find reasons to stay motivated in order to complete all 60 days of the workout. Here are some of my simple tips/reasons/motivations:

My first motivation is to take it day by day. My mind can play games with itself if I begin to think of (and essentially dread) a total 60 days of torture. So instead of dreading the next day's workout or dreading how intense the last 30 days will be (with the max workout DVDs), I just tell myself to focus on today's workout only. It's not as burdensome or seem as huge of a task, and I actually feel like I can accomplish it. After I finish a workout, I feel so proud of myself for simply sweating and getting through it. I also like to take pictures of the drenched t-shirts that I wore during the workout. It's just evidence of fat melting away. Woo!

Another huge motivation is, (obviously) the wedding season. There are a ton of weddings coming up. I don't want to outshine any bride, but I want to at least feel comfortable in a dress. (Also, it sounds narcissistic, but I also basically want to show off my fiancé  my engagement ring, and a toned body to all of my family and friends!)

Which leads me to my third motivation: my own wedding. The wedding isn't coming until two years from now--it may seem like a lot of time, but to me it isn't when it comes to a wedding! In order to have a decent dress, it needs to be ordered at least a year from the wedding date. So if I am getting married in, say August 2015, I need to have my wedding body by August 2014. It is now September 2013, and I therefore have a year to shape up this body, get it measured, and keep it at its measured size throughout the days leading up to the wedding. With two years from the wedding, I know I will have enough time to lose weight, get toned, trial and error to keep my body at a consistent weight/size, and so on. (I know, I put a lot of thought into this.)

If I haven't bored you out with my reasons yet, here's the last and biggest one for me: my health. In the past year since I've transitioned from different job hours, lived with my roommates, and dated my fiancé (then boyfriend)--I've picked up some nasty habits. I've begun to eat more unnatural and processed foods, I've eaten more fast food and drunk more pop, I've eaten bigger portions, I've also picked up my fiance's habit of eating man-food (friend chicken wings, take-out, comfort food, etc.). Now let me tell you--I have gained weight! It's terrible because I have not felt comfortable in my skin for almost a year now, and I truly loathe it. From gaining all the weight that I did, I started noticing that I didn't like the pictures I took of myself. That was a big sign. From the visible difference of my body, I was also reminded of my family's known health history of diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and obesity. When I usually feel uncomfortable, I eventually decide it's time to shape up. However seeing pictures of my rounder face brought in a reality check that I never got before. It wasn't just about feeling comfortable and shaping up. It was also about my long-term health and all that I am at risk for. In the past, I used to keep my body at something I was comfortable or used to. However, this time I don't want to just be comfortable! I want to look and feel fantastic. In the past, I never pushed myself beyond a normal or decent body type because I was afraid of something new and different. However, these fears cannot prevent me from being at risk! So I decided to start Insanity because I want to essentially be a healthy person and prevent any disease if possible!!!

Now, throughout these next two months, I am hoping to document my journey for myself and anyone else who wants to read it. You may not get an update everyday, but you will see me vent, complain, be excited, be thrilled, and most of all: you will see me get into the best shape of my life! Keep me in your prayers and cheer me on please! It's going to be an interesting ride. :)

Be true to who you are

Serene Bold Curious Humble Forgiving Real Strong in weaknesses Understanding Protecting those vulnerable/wronged Standing up for myself Beautiful Quirky Kind Follower Unashamed True