Moving On

The Lord Is Near

John 10:7-10

Ephesians 1:3-6

John 4:23-24

Philippians 4:4-9

Your love is strong

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

-JF

Remembering the truth

I know who I am... without you.

Wow what a year it's been. I have lost and have gained. I have mended much. I have broken much. I have helped and hurt others. But here I am... still here. Praise God.

Listened to this song today. After much reflection, I realize that God took a lot of people away from me in the last couple of years for a reason. This was my song to those people. And now, I can say that because of God's grace, I know who I am without those people.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCLERYzJsYA&ob=av2e

My love...

The space in between us
Starts to feel like we're worlds apart
Like I'm going crazy
And you say it's raining in your heart
You're telling me nobody's there to dry up the flood
Oh but that's just crazy
Cause baby I told you I'm here for good

My love's like a star
You can't always see me
But you know that I'm always there
When you see one shining
Take it as mine and remember I'm always near
If you see a comet, baby I'm on it
Making my way back home
Just follow the glow
It won't be long
Just know that you're not alone

I try to build the walls to keep you safe
When I'm not around
But as soon as I'm away from you
You say they come tumbling down
But it's not about the time
That we don't get to spend together
Oh it's about how strong our love is
When I'm gone and it feels like forever

You say the time away makes your heart grow numb
But I can't stay just to prove you wrong
Oh look at how far we've come
Don't you know that you're the one
Oh, you're not alone
Know that you're not alone

-D.L. (Not me, even though it has my initials, lol.)

Words I never said...

"I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through."
-LF

Sometimes I never know what to say... all I know is that some things seriously are fucked up and aint right. I doubt and question all my own motives when something bothers me. Is it worth it? Am I being too legalistic, too aggressive? How patient should I be? How understanding should I be? How well should I be communicating? What does that even look like...? Are my doubts my own insecurity? Or are my doubts some dark twisted hegemony that continues this darkness that drives me to isolation?

The injustices that speak to me in my life leave me feeling like I'm dead sometimes. The silence I have completely consumes me. Sometimes I feel like I am just depressed and unhappy as a result of what this world is going through. How can I be happy in all of this? How can I have proud or joyful moments in all of this shit? This apathy, this materialism, this system? This blindness? Can a blind man really appreciate the view?

My silence is a dark evil... a carnivore... and it destroys everything I believe in. It consumes and rips me apart and eats me until I am no more.

All I want is the truth. What is the right thing to do? How do I address this greed, this apathy, this stupidity and ignorance? This pain? Do I have to shoot them and wound them to show them that they're already half way to their own deaths? Hurt them to show them they are hurt? Shout and shout at them until they finally register the truth?

I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to shake the 'peace.' I'm supposed to be the sweet and silent and gentle, non-aggresive Hmong girl that does everything right. The Asian girl that isn't supposed to be loud, with no actual opinion. The encouraging spiritual guide that never speaks about social activism.

My fear is not my silence. It's my fear of being alone. But sometimes, when you walk this road, loneliness is your companion... Depression is a sidekick. Patience is an enemy but needs to be kept closer than those that I love... and hope... he runs a head of me and I never seem to catch up.

It's so loud inside my head with words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said."
-LF