The focus: the true vine... not the branches.

I struggle a lot with pride and feeling significant. In the past, I thought the fruit I bore was out of my own strength and doing. I thought all the things I did well was because of me, and God happened to be lucky to have me on his side.

With this kind of thinking, I began reading the Bible less and began praying less. I began being more full of myself, and therefore began bearing fruit from the wrong vines. For a very long time I tried to pretend everything was fine. I figured out all the right lines, all the right gestures. I communicated well and learned how to put on makeup and dress right. I was a very good actress.

Although I acted very well, inside I was growing fruit that was very bitter and perhaps poisoned. I hid my bitter fruit very well, at least I thought I did. In order to not be found out, I began to be more withdrawn from others. Many that noticed this unhealthy fruit may not have cared to ask what was wrong or going on. Some may have been too preoccupied with other things. But I feel that most of them just did not know how to ask.

It was a very lonely time in my life. I was looking so good on the outside, but why was I feeling so empty on the inside? I felt like I was dying. Nothing made me happy. Nothing brought me joy. Nothing brought me life.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit had another plan. His light came in many ways to me. I tried so hard (and sometimes still do) to run from it. But as you all know, light travels very fast. And no matter where it shines, it shines in the darkness... and the darkness has not overcome it.

Ironically, one of the ways the light came to me was through fruit I helped bear from my past. Specifically through women that I helped minister to. They thanked me for believing in them, or for encouraging them. Some of them told me how I helped them or inspired them. When they told me these things, I felt like they were speaking of a completely different person. I did not want to accept these things that people told me. Instead I ran further and rebelled to prove how different I was from this person those people described. I now see that it was the Holy Spirit reminding me of who I was in Him. Even now he reminds me that this person that bore fruit was able to do it because of him and for him. Not because of myself, nor for myself.

The biggest thing the light did in shining in my darkness was when women that I had ministered to specifically ministered back to me. They reminded me who I was, and told me to go easy on myself. They showed me that they had weaknesses as well and that they can still love God. They reminded me that my faith will always be growing and changing and refined. They showed me love and care. Ultimately, through them, God showed me that he still cared for me, and that he still loved me. He showed me his love and faithfulness. He showed me that he still had a plan for me.

Another ironic thing I realized as these women came to minister to me was the revelation that it never really was out of my own doing/strength because clearly these women were living in his strength, and not mine. Yet because of Him, he used me to water them. And now, he is using them to water me. I began to really see and realize how it's really not about any of us, but about him.

I now see that any good thing that came from me (fruit) was because I was connected to the true vine, and I had a wonderful gardener that took care of me. He planted the seed. He grew the fruit. I am only the branch. He is the true vine. How humbling... I am the incredibly blessed one (not lucky) to have Him on my side/be on His side.

For more, read John 15:1-17 and John 1:1-5:

John 15:1-17

The Vine and the Branches

1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

John 1

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

August

My checklist for (late July to) August:

1. Blog more.
2. Write at least one entry for Hmoodle.
3. Plan/finalize a darn good workshop for Shekinah.
4. Finish my papers/courses at NWC.
5. Budget my life (I am always doing this, lol. I never seem to stick with my budgets...)
6. Finish the books I began.
7. Remember who I love. (Jesus)

Unfinished poem.

For a while you made my dreams come true
Showed me the type of life I could have with you
We don’t need a lot of money
Just the two of us will do

By Moi